Your Cruise Ship Plays Card Games In Hell
by Bob the Flying Monkey
Summary: Thiefshipping and Deathshipping. Our four antagonists find themselves on a cruise ship headed for victory. Along the way, the boys become preoccupied with something better than card games. Guest appearence by Harpoonshipping. Note: There will be blood. I mean, there will be LittleKuriboh references. Please skip first 2 chapters, unless you like breaking of 4th wall.
1. Prologue Part1 skip

_Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. But I do own the word psychosia. I made it up. Several seasons ago._

**A/N: I want to apologize in advance for this. I just graduated with no job and 3 months before college. The very first thing I must do is release my psychosia on the masses. So this story should serve as an example of the reason fangirls should not be left alone with a computer when they have zero schoolwork. Enjoy this psychotic use of my time!**

**Reader's Note: Yami Marik = Melvin (because 'Mariku' is too much like 'Marik' and also I am psychotic)**

* * *

It was a day of no consequence, so I decided to write about it.

"Who said that?" Marik asked, searching the skies for the answer. "Oh, frick! Is it those Big 5 losers again? We aren't even a part of their subplot."

"No, Marik. I think that was the narrator," Bakura explained, putting aside his book since he knew he would be expected to do something soon.

"Since when do we have a narrator?" Marik asked.

"Since Bob the Flying Monkey decided to write you," the narrator explain, munching noisily on a carrot.

"I thought narrators didn't talk to the characters," Marik said.

"Normal narrators don't. But I'm lonely, and my alter ego usually speaks in her fanfics, so I thought I'd give it a try."

"Speaking of alter egos," Melvin began as he walked on scene.

"What the EFF is going on? How do you have your own body when I'm still in control of mine?" Marik exclaimed.

The narrator shrugged, "I don't normally believe in this set-up, but as I said, I'm lonely. The more the merrier, right? Besides, if other fangirls can do it, why shouldn't I?"

"Perhaps because you are actually a good writer," Ryou said, coming up bedside Melvin.

"Don't feed her ego, Ryou," Bakura warned, "You'll be the first to go."

"No, I don't think I'm going to kill anyone this time," the narrator said, "I only kill people when I'm happy. Right now I'm bored, so you should all live. Also, I actually like you people. What good would killing you do? But I might kill other characters. Just not you four."

"That's very comforting," Bakura huffed, "I suppose you have a plot for us."

"Not yet, but we'll get there. Eventually. I hope. Right now, I just want to get the preliminary jazz out of the way. Introduce everything so we don't waste time in later chapters with me explaining stuff to you."

"Oh great. There are multiple chapters," Bakura sighed.

"Three months to kill before I abandon fanfiction for a while. College crap and all. What do you want to do first?"

"We get an opinion?" Marik asked.

"As I said, I'm not great today. My creativity is numbed as of tonight, but I'm sure I'll be right as a square come Monday. So let's figure out something amusing or at the very least sexy. Readers like that junk, right?"

"I vote against the sexy," Ryou said timidly.

"What's the matter, little Ryou?" Melvin teased, "You afraid you'll do someone you like?"

"Mummy," Ryou cried.

"Melvin, quit," Bakura sighed, "For the last time, just because Marik and I are an item doesn't mean you and Ryou should be, too."

"Yeah!" Marik said, then repented, "Wait, what? I told you, I'm not gay!"

"You are in this fanfic," the narrator declared.

"But I don't want to be gay!" Marik protested.

"I don't either," Ryou agreed.

"Well, I don't want to remain human for the rest of my life, but we all have to do things we don't want to," the narrator reasoned.

"Not human? What else would you be?" Marik asked.

"Hmm, let's see. My name is Bob the Flying Monkey, so I probably want to be a polar bear. That seems logical, right?"

"This fanfic is going downhill really fast," Bakura said.

"Yeah, I noticed. Let's pick it up tomorrow, same spot. Maybe I'll have my awesomeness back by then. Goodnight, boys."

"Goodnight, evil overlord."

* * *

**A/N: So yes, the first chapter is the crummiest, but it's just a minor error I can fix with a good night's sleep. Tomorrow I shall try again, and it will be an improvement. Promise. It couldn't get much worse.**


	2. Prologue Part2 skip

_Disclaimer: This stuff ain't mine. It ain't yours either, or you'd be Japanese and wouldn't be able to read it anyway._

**A/N: Alright, let's try again. I'm turning on my funny now, so let's cross our fingers and hope this doesn't suck. And since none of the characters are vampires, sucking would be bad. Unless you're into that kind of thing.**

* * *

"It's about time," Marik said, "We've been waiting at least twelve hours for you to get back."

"Sorry about that," the narrator said, "I was trying to get myself pumped up for this. So I figured out a good starting place. Let's all get on a cruise ship. Surely there will be something interesting to do on a cruise ship."

"I was stuck on a ship for half of the second season," Marik protested, "All I did was stroke my millennium rod and talk about beating the Pharaoh through the minds of my Steves. I didn't even play that many children's card games."

"You don't play duel monsters in fanfics, silly Egyptian," the narrator explained, "Even though the show is completely about the fate of the world depending on children's card games, you aren't supposed to use the real plot in Yu-Gi-Oh fanfics. That would be ridiculous. That would be like me actually portraying Voldemort as a bad guy in one of my stories. It just doesn't happen. He must be converted into a Mary Sue. Then he is easier to work with."

"I didn't understand a word you just said," Marik replied.

"Neither did I," Ryou added, cringing as Melvin wrapped his arms around him.

"Just let it happen," Melvin whispered, tightening his hold on the frightened Brit.

"You want to play it that way," Bakura snarled at him, "Fine. I can be a creepy boyfriend too." He took hold of Marik and slung him over his shoulder. "Come on, Marik. We're going on that cruise and we're going to share a suite. And there will be only one bed in that room."

"Put me down!" he protested. "I command you to release me, or I will send all my Steves after you."

"That's a load of bollocks. You like the idea of being stuck in a room with me. Admit it."

"Never!" But Marik stopped resisting and let Bakura carry him to the pier where a cruise ship was preparing to leave.

"I accept your challenge," Melvin retorted, picking up Ryou and carrying him on his shoulders, then following Bakura up the ramp and onto the ship.

Without further ado, the story began.

* * *

**A/N: Alright, the real story starts in the third chapter, so you won't have to worry about another boring prologue in the future. I'm posting it in less than an hour as soon as it is written, so don't go anywhere.**


	3. The Beginning of the Real Story

_Disclaimer: I am not Japanese and therefore cannot own this TV show._

**A/N: This is the REAL story, so you can now read this without worrying that the narrator will break the fourth wall again. It won't happen in the real story, just the prologue and epilogue. So here you go – my pretty little fanfic. Starring Marik Ishtar, Yami Bakura, Ryou Bakura, and Yami Marik as Melvin. Featuring thiefshipping and deathshipping. Also featuring harpoonshipping, but in small dosages. **

* * *

The cruise ship bustled with life and free tacos. Skimpily-clad bodies hustled to and fro as the deck of the magnificent ship gleamed with wet inhabitants. The wading pool in the center of the ship sloshed with the churning of innumerable little feet. From the corner of the rowdy landing, two sets of twins watched with glistening eyes as their potential victims enjoyed their last vacation.

"Ah, yes," Melvin grinned, "So many options for my games. I hardly know where to start. Ryou, what do you want to kill first?"

"I don't want to kill anyone," he whispered as he hid behind Bakura.

"We'll fix that soon," Melvin replied, walking off toward the long line of people waiting for a snow cone.

"Bakura, why does he have to be my boyfriend?" Ryou pleaded.

"Because I'm not a fan of tendershipping, and Marik is mine."

"Surely there is someone else on this ship that I could be with," Ryou begged desperately.

"Attention duelists! My hair is welcoming you to this cruise ship."

Bakura smirked at Ryou. Ryou shook his head fervently, "No. No way. I'll just make do with Melvin."

"Come now, Ryou. I'm sure he's not that bad," Bakura insisted, his amusement growing.

"You didn't used to be this mean, Bakura."

"Leave him alone, Fluffy," Marik said, coming to Ryou's rescue, "He's new to all this. Let's help him get adjusted to the yaoi franchise."

"You're really nice, Marik," Ryou said, "I wish you were my imaginary friend instead of Bakura. He's always leaving me to do something else."

"I would never do that to you, Mini Kitty. I'm a good friend. Ooh, look! They have Karaoke!" Marik ran across the deck to the stage in the front of the ship.

"He abandoned me," Ryou squeaked. "At least I still have you, Bakura."

"I'm sorry, what did you say? I couldn't hear you over the sound of betrayal ringing in my ears." Bakura crossed his arms and stuck up his nose.

"Bakura, I didn't mean –"

"Oh, save it. I'm going to hang out with your new imaginary friend." Bakura stalked off toward where Marik was shredding everyone's eardrums with his awful singing.

Ryou stood helplessly in place, frightened and alone. That is, until the Hair-guy approached him. "Attention duelists! My hair is assaulting you."

"No, please!" Ryou cried out, throwing his arms in front of his face. He waited for the inevitable pain that he knew was coming, but it didn't. He looked up in wonder and saw that his attacker was face down on the field – I mean, deck – with blood pooling around his body.

"Attention duelists!" he said as his voice faded, "I am dead." Then he spoke no more.

"Blimey! What happened?" Ryou exclaimed. Then he saw Melvin standing at the dead man's feet, a satisfied smirk stretched across his lips.

"Come on, Ryou," Melvin said, taking his hand and tugging him away, "Let's go find our counterparts."

"You-you saved me from him," Ryou said in surprise.

"Of course. I must be the only one to victimize people on this boat. Now let's get a snow cone. You like snow cones, don't you, Ryou," he commanded.

"Of course. I like the blue flavor."

"As you should. I too like the blue flavor. It reminds me of the bodies of my victims."

"On second thought, I prefer the green flavor."

Adjacent to the snow cone booth, Marik was singing Karaoke to Bakura.

"_We were brave, we were crazy, we were mostly young!_ Sing with me, Bakura."

"I don't bloody want to sing," Bakura replied.

"Yes you do."

"Fine." Bakura took the mike. "_But in the backseat we were awkward and shy/ Girls were a mystery that we couldn't explain/ And I guess there are some things that are never gonna change._"

"Bakura!" Marik protested, "Why must you turn everything into an implication that we are gay?"

"You picked the song, Marik. Maybe you are the one who is implying something."

Marik pouted and stomped off stage. The audience clapped loudly and hooted Bakura's name. Bakura followed Marik down the stairs that lead to the suites. "Marik, wait –"

Above deck, Melvin and Ryou sat at a small, round table and ate their separate snow cones. "This cotton candy flavor is delicious," Ryou said, happily munching on his blue snow cone. "How do you like yours, Melvin?"

"Tiger's blood is my favorite flavor," Melvin replied, chomping noisily on his red snow cone, "I haven't had a snow cone in ages. This is a delectable treat."

"I've never tasted Tiger's blood before," Ryou said.

"Why not?"

"It just sounds so off-putting. Who would want to drink blood? No offense, I mean."

"Ryou, don't be foolish. I don't drink blood. This flavor has nothing to do with blood. It's just a name meant to entice people. Here, take a bite."

"I couldn't."

"Yes you can. Here, have some. You might like it." Melvin shoved the snow cone into Ryou's free hand. He smiled encouragingly and imitated licking.

Ryou tentatively tasted the snow cone. "Mmm. It's actually pretty good. Can I have another bite?"

"Of course. There are plenty of snow cones to go around."

"Here, take a bite of mine. It's yummy."

Melvin took a mouthful of the blue ice and swallowed without chewing. Then he clamped his hand over his forehead and exclaimed, "AAAHH! Brain freeze!"

"Here, take a sip of this warm water," Ryou insisted, handing him a paper cup.

Melvin gulped the liquid greedily and sighed in relief as the throbbing in his head dissipated. "Where'd you learn that trick?"

"Band camp."

"Oh." They ate their snow cones in silence for a while. "It tasted pretty good. Your snow cone."

"I thought you might like it." Ryou took a sip of the warm water. The lights suddenly turned on, scaring away the quickly-descending dusk. For the moment, at least.

Suddenly, the PA system clicked on, and a nasally voice said, "The sun will rise in a few hours." There was a jostling over the microphone, then a female voice said, "He means, the sun will set in a few minutes. All duelists are advised to return to their rooms in the next hour to prepare themselves for tomorrow's competition. At 8:00 tomorrow morning, the normal group will be dropped off at their stop, and the card games will begin!"

Ryou smiled at his companion. "I'm glad there will be less people here tomorrow. I was worried the ship would be overcrowded the whole time."

"I'm glad that we will actually get to play duel monsters this time. That almost never happens."

"That's because most of our fans don't really know how to play. Good thing the girl writing us now has actually won a few duels while playing the game by the book."

"Silly Ryou! Girls can't play duel monsters. Our writer is obviously a male. He's probably a fat white guy in his late thirties still living in his mom's garage."

"But there are rats in garages," Ryou protested.

Melvin cackled loudly, "What did you say?"

"I said, garages have –" Melvin cut him off with more cackling. Ryou crossed his arms indignantly, "What, pray tell, is so funny?"

"The way you say _garage_. It's so British!" Melvin continued to cackle.

Ryou pouted, "I find the way you mispronounce garage to be a thing of mockery as well. The British way of pronouncing words was originally how English words were pronounced before Americans screwed up the language with their nonconformity."

"Look, I'm just an evil spirit from ancient Egypt. I can't help that I don't have a British accent. Blame the voice actors and their casting crew."

"It's not really important. Let's just set aside our differences and admit that diversity is the key to success."

"As long as you don't nag me about my voice, I will agree with you."

Ryou stood and threw away his trash. "I'm ready for bed."

"Me too." Melvin followed him below deck and to the very end of the hallway. "They were smart to put us at the back of the boat. Perhaps the other passengers can get some sleep after all."

"What do you mean by that?" Ryou asked.

"What immediately comes to mind?"

"Nothing. I have pop-up blockers on."

"Then use your imagination."

"I also have filters on."

"Oh, for Ra's sake! Let me see your mind."

"But I don't want – AAHH!" Melvin grasped Ryou's head and stared intently at the top of his noggin.

"Let me just adjust your settings a little. There, good as new."

Ryou clutched his head. "So many strange thoughts. What are these things I see? I feel nauseous." He started to sink to his knees, but Melvin caught him.

"You'll get used to it soon. If you wake up in the morning and still don't like it, I'll return you to normal. But for tonight, relax. Let your mind wander a little."

"But my mummy says an idle mind is the devil's workshop."

"Then we might actually have some fun on this excursion. Come, let's see what our counterparts are up to. You might get some ideas."

"Oh goodness! I just had the most horrible image."

"That's normal. All teenage boys have these thoughts. I'm giving you the opportunity to experience life, Ryou. You should be gratefully."

Ryou straightened up as Melvin pushed open the door. On the dark blue comforter, Bakura was draped over Marik, their faces intense as their lips joined and parted repeatedly.

"Take a lesson from your alter ego, Ryou. He knows what he's doing." At Melvin's voice, the two boys on the bed broke apart. Bakura barked at the intruders, "Get out! Your room is next door."

Melvin cackled, but shut the door and lead Ryou into the adjacent room.

"I swear I locked that," Marik said.

"Yes, well I won't make that mistake again," Bakura replied, locking the door himself.

In the adjacent room, Melvin locked his own door, then turned to his roommate. "So, Ryou. How did that make you feel?"

"Very very peculiar. I think I would call it envious?" He sat down on the bed and crossed his legs, pulling his shirt tail down to his thighs.

Melvin sat down beside him and put a sympathetic arm over his shoulders. "Ryou, don't be ashamed of your feelings. Having them won't make you like me. I know that's what you're afraid of – being like me. But that shouldn't stop you from living your life. I'll let you in on a little secret, Ryou." Melvin put his mouth up against Ryou's ears and whispered, "No one is like me. And you – you are better than me. So don't be afraid."

Ryou shivered slightly. But when he spoke, his voice was more confident than ever before, "I'm not afraid." He took Melvin's hand and gazed into his eyes. There was a fierceness in them that he'd never seen, but that wasn't what captivated him. It was the characteristic warmth in his chocolate eyes, like a hug of unconditional acceptance awaiting him if only he could find the key to open the window encasing his soul. Ryou had never given him that look before. Until tonight, when they had eaten snow cones. Then again, as their eyes connected now. It was like a spell had changed him from dark to light. And as foreign as it was, Melvin liked it, embraced it even, just as it was embracing him now.

Melvin sighed, forcing his eyes up to the top of Ryou's head. "Sorry, Ryou. I shouldn't have done this." He took hold of the white-haired head and undid every change he had made in the boy's mind. Then he released him. "Alright, I've returned you to normal. I won't mess with your head anymore." Melvin stalked into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

"Melvin, wait!" Ryou protested, but he had already turned on the shower, obviously to drown out anything Ryou might say. He sighed and turn to the suite door connecting the two rooms. He gripped the handle, sucked in some courage, and pushed open the door.

Bakura and Marik jumped apart once more. "Oh, for Ra's sake! Are we not allowed five minutes alone?" Bakura snarled.

"Sorry, but I need your help." Ryou sat down on the foot of the bed cross-legged and put his hands in his lap. His two friends sat up and gave him their attention. Ryou took a deep breath. "It's Melvin."

"If you really don't want to sleep with him, you are welcome to sleep in our bath tub," Marik offered.

"No, that's not it. I have no problem sleeping with him. But I'm afraid he won't want to sleep with me."

"Don't be ridiculous, Mini Kitty. All he ever talks about is how much he wants to get you in bed. That and destroying the world, but nonetheless he likes you."

"Well, he had the opportunity a minute ago; I would have let him. But then he abruptly left me for a shower."

"Maybe he thought he stank and didn't want to offend you. Or maybe he got cold feet and he needed hot water to make them warmer," Marik suggested.

"Don't pretend to know what you're talking about, Diva," Bakura interjected. "Ryou, yaoi doesn't happen immediately. It takes time. Just look at how long Marik and I have been beating around the bush. It's been at least two seasons, and we're just now admitting that we like each other. Give Melvin some time – Ishtar men need it."

"What he said," Marik added.

"What do I say to him, though, to let him know that I like him? I've never liked anyone before."

"This is how I told Bakura," Marik said, "I sat him down, stared into his eyes, and said, 'Hey. Nice shirt.' And now we're happily married."

"No we're not," Bakura argued.

"Yes, but we could be," Marik amended, "And in the end, isn't that what really counts?"

"Not in the state of Texas, it doesn't."

"Oh EFF off, Fluffy!"

"Or EFF on," Bakura smirked, pulling Marik into a kiss.

"I'll take your advice into account," Ryou said, fleeing to his room and shutting the door behind him. He changed into his pajama pants and laid down in the center of the bed, shirtless. Now to wait.

Minutes later, Melvin walked into the room with a towel tied around his waist. His hair was spiky in some places, saggy in others, but overall retained its characteristically Melvin aspect of wildness. He looked at Ryou expectantly like he knew they were about to have a long, potentially painful talk.

Ryou's mind went blank, and he couldn't find the words he'd just had that would resolve all the issues between him and his roommate. So he said the first thing that came to mind. "Hey. Nice shirt."

Melvin laughed lightheartedly and pulled on some underwear and pajama pants. "You've been talking to Marik, haven't you?"

"And Bakura," Ryou added.

"And did they give you good advice?"

"They asked me to sleep in their bathtub."

Melvin laughed some more. "Go brush your teeth and we'll talk."

"Glad to know even villains have good hygiene," Ryou joked as he bounced into the bathroom. When he returned, Melvin had turned off all the lights except the bedside lamp, and he had folded down the comforter.

"Pick a side," Melvin commanded. Then he hopped into bed beside Ryou. "So, you wanted to talk to me."

"Yes, but I can't find the right words."

"Sometimes there are no right words. Sometimes there are only actions."

"Like when you fixed my head?" Ryou asked.

"Yes. I thought I'd like you better if you were looser, like me. But I realized that isn't the Ryou I know, the Ryou I love."

"Love?" Ryou squeaked.

Melvin nodded, his face softening into a more serious expression. "I'm not like Marik. I don't beat around the bush. I'm very forward and blunt. If I have an opinion, I want it to be known. And I want you to know that I love you. It makes me feel vulnerable, but I trust you, and you alone, with my heart. I know it's not very pretty or shiny, but it's yours. All yours."

Ryou blushed, but held Melvin's gaze. Having no words, he chose actions. Ryou lurched forward and pecked the Yami on the lips. He made to back away, to hide his face, but the Egyptian would not have it. He pulled Ryou to his chest and wrapped his arms securely around him. Melvin kissed Ryou's forehead and whispered, "Thank you."

Ryou wiggled upward until his eyes were level with Melvin's. "I love you too." And they kissed again.

* * *

**A/N: Lyrics by Kenny Chesney. Yeah, I do things the right way. Sorry that it took so long, but the Muses finally took hold of me, and I couldn't stop writing. More to come soon.**


	4. Harpoonshipping

_Disclaimer: This is not Japanese, so obviously I don't own the Yu-Gi-Oh franchise. Or duel monsters. Or dungeon dice monsters. Or Joey Wheeler. Or… *eternity*. _

**A/N: No harpoons were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Except for Mary Sue, but no one likes Mary Sue. She was a harpoon in the mud. **

* * *

Melvin was awaken by the annoying announcer chick calling for all Disney passengers to leave the cruise ship. He squinted at the digital clock on Ryou's nightstand and decided that another hour of bedtime wouldn't hurt them. He gently placed a kiss on Ryou's nose for safekeeping. Ryou pried his eyelids open and glanced at Melvin before they sealed themselves again. He burrowed deeper under the covers, resting his face against Melvin's bare chest. "Food?" he mumbled.

"Not quite yet, pet." Melvin smoothed his hair affectionately, then shimmied down to his level. Ryou managed to adjust his head so that he was facing his boyfriend, but was losing the battle with his eyelids. Melvin chuckled airily, kissing Ryou's cheek and nuzzling him. Ryou attempted to nuzzle back, but his languid movements were not compatible with Melvin's state of arousal.

"Five more minutes," Ryou mumbled, placing his cheek back on Melvin's breast.

"Five minutes," Melvin agreed, "And then I'm getting the water."

"Don't wet the bed," Ryou protested.

* * *

In the adjacent bedroom, things were a little less drowsy.

"Marik, I'm using the sink. Wait you're bloody turn."

"But you're taking too long. At this rate, I'll be wrinkly by the time you're finished."

"You can put your make-up on after I finish brushing my teeth."

"I'm not putting on make-up. I want to brush my teeth, too. I need to be attractive in case someone sexy shows up to this tournament."

"Marik," Bakura growled.

"Just kidding," he smiled cheekily, at last gaining control of the sink. "Ew! You splattered spit-water all over the place. Could you be a little less messy?"

"I could be Obsessive-Compulsive, and you'd still call me messy."

"Maybe you should try it."

"Maybe you should be less anal."

"But I thought you liked anal."

Bakura cackled loudly.

"What? What's so funny?"

"What you said. Right then."

"I don't get it."

"No, you never do. Alright, Diva. Are you sufficiently sexy enough?"

"You tell me."

Bakura looked him over. "Well, if wanting to do you makes you sexy, then I'd say you need to tone it down a bit. A lot, actually."

Marik gave Bakura a kiss, then went back to his wardrobe to find the perfect outfit.

Ryou had regained enough consciousness that he had become the touchy-feely one. He stroked Melvin's hair, mesmerized by its abundance of body. "It's so spiky, even after you slept on it all night."

"It's natural," Melvin replied, taking his hand and kissing it. Ryou smiled and kissed him back, and they wrapped around each other for the first time this morning.

"Melvin, do you think Bakura and Marik…?"

"I'm sure they've gone farther than us, but don't worry about it. Duel monsters tournaments are for serious injury, not serious romance. That should be saved for after the tournament, when you've come back down to earth and have your head on straight. So we shall wait until we are home to go beyond kissing."

"Thank you, Melvin," Ryou said, kissing his nose. "You're always looking out for me."

"Someone has to. I think I'm the best qualified for the job, now that Bakura has Marik to keep out of trouble."

"You're the only one I would want."

* * *

At 9:00, when the trample of footsteps had ceased entirely, the four boys ventured out onto the deck of the ship. Where before there had been waterpark slides and other such structures of amusement, now there were duel arenas with hologram machines waiting for duelists to test them out. No one was using the machines yet. The small gathering of people who were already out were standing in front of a dark stage, no doubt waiting for instructions. They recognized a few of the faces, such as Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood. They also recognized another guy who was gazing out at the sea with longing in his eyes.

"Hey, you're that freaky fish guy," Marik exclaimed as he approached the tan man with black, spikey hair.

"I am not a freaky fish guy," he shouted back, then his smile returned, and he gestured to the sea. "The ocean and I are on our third honeymoon. We thought it would be nice to join a couples' tournament."

"Wait, this is a couples' tournament?" Ryou said, "That must be why we have to room in pairs."

"My room is down there in that life raft," Mako said, pointing over the side of the boat, "It was the only bed big enough for my wife." He paused as if listening, then turned his head and yelled at the ocean, "No, sweetheart. I wasn't implying that you are fat. I just meant that you are the ocean." He turned back to the other four boys, "The ocean forgives me."

"I didn't know the ocean played card games," Ryou said.

"I taught her how to play. She is quite skilled. In fact, sometimes she is better at it than I am. She has beaten me many times."

"But wouldn't she get the cards wet?"

"We have laminated them so that she does not ruin them. It was a necessary evil."

Ryou gasped at the horror of defiling duel monsters in such a way, and nearly fainted, but Melvin caught him. Rolling his eyes, he picked the boy up in his arms and cradled him like an infant. "You better be glad I work out, Ryou."

"You can put me down, really. I'll be fine."

At that moment, enough of the crowd had gathered that the two commentators clicked on the PA system and began their announcements. The boy with the funny voice said, "You all know why you're here. You have come to partake in the free snow cones. But let me tell you something – the snow cones are mine! All mine! MWAHAHAH – "

"Give me that microphone!" the girl shrieked. She cleared her voice. "Welcome to the first annual couples' duel monsters tournament, sponsored by Hiro Nakamura and Co.. There are currently 24 teams aboard this ship. In three days, there will only be 8 teams. These teams will go onto the finals to face off against each other in hopes of winning the title of Penguin of Games. All contestants – what do you mean I said _penguin_? No I didn't! I said Prince/Princess. Whatever, Tristan. Anyway, each contestant will receive a duel jewel with their morning coffee. Each team will begin with 2 jewels, and will need to have 6 jewels in order to enter the finals. Once you have all 6 jewels, you will be moved to the presidential suites where you will await the finals. All teams that lose all of their jewels will be escorted away by helicopter. We hope you have enjoyed the cruise, because it's over. As of 10:00, this cruise ship becomes a battle ship."

* * *

**A/N: Ten bonus points to whoever can tell me where Hiro Nakamura is from.**


	5. And Now For the Card Games

_Disclaimer: The runes say I am not the owner of the Yu-Gi-Oh franchise. They also say my favorite color is blue._

**A/N: And now the card games will begin. The ocean is voiced by Drew Barrymore. **

* * *

The four boys returned to their rooms to claim their duel jewels and decks. Then they returned to the surface to find opponents to duel. But all the dueling arenas were already occupied. "What kind of cheap tournament is this?" Marik exclaimed, "There aren't even enough duel structures to go around."

"You guys, I think I see Yugi Muto. Let's go talk to him – he always seems to know what's going on." Ryou lead them that way.

"Yeah, that's way he gets tricked into so many dangerous duels with whack-jobs. Because he knows what's going on," Bakura commented.

"Hey, Yugi! I didn't know you had a significant other," Ryou said as he stopped next to his friends.

"Yeah, I'm here with the Pharaoh. The fangirl writing this didn't know what else to do with me, since Tèa wanted to be an announcer and cries every time she duels. I honestly wouldn't mind dueling with Joey, but he's with Seto Kaiba."

"That doesn't make any sense at all," Bakura said, "Don't they hate each other to the fiery pits of hell?"

"Yeah, but puppyshipping is in big demand these days. Anyway, we were about to duel some third-rate characters on the 4th floor. You want to join us?"

"Oh, is that how they're fitting all the duels in?" Ryou asked. "The floors underneath have arenas, too?"

"Yes," the Pharaoh said, "At least we're not on a blimp where the only dueling arena is outside and involves probable death by falling."

"Instead we'll hit an iceberg and perish in the cold water or be eaten by sharks," Melvin smiled.

"So, how did you guys find out about this tournament?" Yugi asked.

Marik and Melvin looked at each other, and answered in unison, "Steve."

"Ah. I see. Alright, let's go downstairs." The six boys headed down the stairwell.

* * *

An hour later, Ryou and Melvin had acquired two more duel jewels and were contemplating their victories over red and blue snow cones. "That was the easiest duel I've ever won," Ryou declared, "That Rex fellow really didn't know how to duel. And he calls himself a champion."

"Good thing you had that Change of Heart, or the bug kid might have destroyed us with his Petit Moth," Melvin said, licking his snow cone thoughtfully.

"All in a day's work, I suppose. It's my favorite card, you know. Change of Heart. What's your favorite?"

"Off the top of my head, I'd say the Winged Dragon of Ra, but I don't own that card anymore. If I was choosing from within my deck, I would say Mystical Beast of Serket. It comes in handy when I'm in a bind. Plus, it starts with M, just like my name."

"Melvin," Ryou said, "Where did you get that name from?"

"From LittleKuriboh. You see, he is a Melvin, and he wanted to feel better about himself, so he named me Melvin. It doesn't stop him from being a nerd who lives in his mom's basement, though. Just like our narrator."

"For the last time, this narrator is a cute, little girl who is in high school and has a life outside of fan fiction. And she is a woman."

"We should settle this with a children's card game," Melvin declared, hopping to his feet.

"Or we could just ask Bakura and Marik what they think," Ryou suggested.

"Very well. That would take much less time. Where do you suppose they went?"

"I thought I saw them on the 3rd level challenging extras to games. Let's go look for them." Ryou took Melvin's free hand and dragged him down two flights of stairs. They snaked through the crowds until they found the two boys watching a duel between two 10-year-olds and Bandit Keith and his partner.

"Hey, you two have to see this," Marik called to Ryou and Melvin, "Bandit Keith is getting his bum handed to him by two children. How ridiculous! A grown man getting beat by two kids in a children's card game. I mean, it's pathetic."

"Marik, we need you to settle something for us," Ryou began.

"Hey, is that a snow cone?" he asked, "What flavor is it?"

"Tiger's blood," Melvin replied.

"My favorite!" Marik exclaimed, "Could I have some?"

"No. Get your own. There are plenty of them above deck."

"But I don't want to walk all the way up there," Marik whined.

"I'll go with you when the card game is over, Marik," Bakura offered, "But you're buying me one, too."

"Very well. What did you want to ask us, Ryou?"

"Melvin and I are having a dispute about the narrator. We wanted to know your opinions. What do you think the narrator looks like?"

"Personally, I think the narrator is some American who can't hold down a job, so she's spending all her time on the computer writing fanfics. I bet she's kinda tubby and has acne all over her face and back. And she smells. Smelly girl." Marik said.

"Well, I think the narrator is actually several people rolled into one name. Or at least several personalities crammed into one body. The main chick is insane, either way," Bakura said.

"Foolish fools! The narrator is a LittleKuriboh wannabe, so he's a fat man with awful hair and several funny voices. But you're right, he is insane, and probably talks to himself a lot," Melvin said, adding, "And definitely American."

"From Florida, I presume," Marik said.

"No, no, no. Definitely Kentucky," Barkura said.

"I was thinking more like Arkansas," Ryou said.

His three friends burst into laughter at once. "Foolish Ryou! Arkansas doesn't exist. It's just a conspiracy made up by the government so they can pretend that they haven't destroyed all of nature in the USA," Marik explained.

"And so they can claim an even number of states," added Bakura.

Ryou crossed his arms. "She's a girl, anyway."

"But her name is Bob," Melvin reasoned, "Why would she go by Bob if she was a girl?"

"Because shut up," Ryou huffed.

"Now Melvin," Bakura protested, "Americans are not limited to gender rules. Take for example those two female Steve's we know. They were American. Besides, it might be short for something, like Bobbi."

"Or Robert," Melvin countered.

"Or Roberta," Ryou said.

"Besides, how many guys do you know that actually endorse yaoi?" Bakura asked.

"Well, you've got a point there. This story does seem to be written by a girl. That would explain all the tangents and the fact that we're so adorable when we should be murdering people," Melvin conceded, "Or at least it would explain it for me. You three are always this gay."

"Oh, piss off, Melvin," Bakura growled.

"Fine. I will go. But I won't bring you a snow cone." He took Ryou's hand and pulled him back the way they'd come.

"You kids are cheaters!" Bandit Keith yelled as he descended the stage, "There's no way you beat me in America without cheating."

"We beat you fair and square," Mokuba replied.

"Give us your jewel or we'll be forced to humiliate you further," Rebecca Hawkins added, holding out her hand expectantly.

"I will not give my last jewel to you! You can't do anything about it."

"Attention duelists! My hair is forcing you to honor the rules." A game enforcer grabbed Bandit Keith from behind. "Hand over your jewel to the girl, or I will do it for you after I crush your hand into dust."

"Now that's my kind of man," Bakura smirked.

Marik gave him a dirty look. "If that's how you feel, I'm sure there's someone else who wants to be my partner. That Mako guy wasn't bad looking."

"Marik, he's married to the ocean. I don't think he'd be good for you. Besides, what I meant to say was he's the kind of man I'd like to have as a mind slave. I couldn't possibly like a guy whose hair is that pointy."

"I don't believe you."

"Would you believe me if I bought you a snow cone?"

"Tiger's blood?" Marik asked.

"Of course."

"Then yes. Yes I would."

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading. Not sure if I'll post another tomorrow, but I'll try. If not, then I will Thursday.**


	6. Red and Blue Make Purple

_Disclaimer: This fan-based story is brought to you by the letter purple, which I just learned to count to. Seriously, though. Purple. _

**A/N: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! But I do own a shirt. I use Yu-Gi-Oh more often, however. **

* * *

"At last! We have acquired all 6 star chips – I mean, duel jewels," Melvin exclaimed, tugging Ryou to the front of the snow cone line, meeting no protests. "Do you know what that means, Ryou?"

"We get a bigger room?"

"Not only that. Now we can have casual snow cone dates twenty-four hours a day! So much shaved ice! My brain will be utterly frozen by the time all the losers have been kicked off the boat. And my tongue will be so red, it will look like I've been drinking the blood of my victims. But you'll have a blue tongue. And probably blue lips, so you'll just look dead. Don't worry, Ryou; my red tongue can heat up your blue tongue when we finish our snow cones."

Several duelists in earshot threw up, then were immediately tossed into the waves.

"Doesn't that sound fun, Ryou?"

"At least this beverage won't destroy my liver. Unlike the stuff you three usually try to make me drink."

"I meant the tongue thing."

"Oh," Ryou blushed, averting his eyes, "Maybe a little."

"We can go to the room to do it, if you'd prefer."

Ryou nodded. "I don't like people staring at me. Can we go right now?"

"As soon as we get our room assignment from Tea and Tristan. You'd think any sane funder would know better than to leave them in charge of an entire tournament." The couple headed off toward the command tower at the head of the boat.

* * *

Half an hour later, Melvin and Ryou were unpacking their suitcases in their new luxury suite.

"Look, Melvin. We can order room service, and it's on the house. I've never had such comfy accommodations before. What are you doing by the door?"

"Hanging the 'Do Not Disturb' sign. We can harass room service later."

"What is that you wrote at the bottom of the sign?"

"'Or we will disturb you.' I thought it was clever, seeing as I'm already disturbed. But I've got something I need to get off my chest." Melvin double locked the door and turned to Ryou with a twisted smile on his face. He slid his hands under his shirt and pulled it over his head, dropping it carelessly on the floor. "Now it's your turn to get something off your chest."

Ryou stood, lifted his shirt, and folded it neatly before setting it aside. "Are we having a sexy body contest?"

"No. We are having a wrestling match. In my corner, weighing in at several ounces, is the strongest muscle in my body: my tongue. Can you guess it's competitor?"

Ryou blushed, "My tongue."

"You're smarter than I give you credit for."

* * *

Hours later, Bakura and Marik had just won their last duel and now had six duel jewels. They were on their way to move their stuff into their new room when they encountered Ryou and Melvin leaving their own presidential suite.

"Well it's about bloody time you two showed up," Bakura said, "We thought for sure you'd been thrown off the boat. Your stuff was cleared out of your room, and you didn't bother to tell us you had won six jewels. Where the bloody hell have you been for the last few hours?"

Ryou blushed, "We were just putting away our luggage in the new suite. And we had some snow cones."

"Yes, I can tell by the mess of purple on your tongue. Melvin, are you having fun corrupting my good side?"

"Are you having fun corrupting mine?"

"Not as much as I'd like to. Come on, Marik. Let's also disappear for a few hours."

"But I didn't pack my laptop. What am I supposed to do for 3 hours?"

"I'll give you three guesses once we get in the room. By the way, Ryou, your shirt is inside out."

"Oh, bugger." He tore it off and put it on correctly in three seconds flat.

"Oh my Ra!" Marik exclaimed, "Ryou, why is your chest all red? It looks like you tried to comb it."

Ryou's cheeks flushed a dark scarlet, but Melvin wrapped his arms around him protectively and said to Bakura, "Control your woman, or I will silence him for you."

Bakura snickered and dragged Marik into their new bedroom. Melvin kissed Ryou's temple and guided him back up the stairs, "Come on, pet. I'll treat you to some real food."

"The pamphlet in our room said we have special privileges, such as access to the restaurant in the tower. Let's try it out," Ryou said, trying to forget his embarrassment.

* * *

The tower was spacious and beautiful, complete with a lovely view thanks to the wall-to-wall windows on the restaurant floor. Melvin and Ryou seated themselves at a table and were immediately greeted by an eager waiter. After giving their orders, they sat back and enjoyed the privacy of this empty room.

"Don't let Marik's comments get to you, Ryou. He's the blondest person I know. He doesn't even realize what he's saying half the time."

"I know. But it's hard to get used to… this. Whatever it is between us. It's new to me – I haven't been close to anyone since I got the Millennium Ring from my father, and certainly not this kind of intimate. It's just… different. Bakura's always had Marik, but I didn't have anyone for a long time. And now you're here. I'm just glad you care for me."

Melvin took Ryou's hand across the table and squeezed it affectionately. "You'll get used to it eventually. Soon you won't even think about it – everything will come naturally. It just takes some time."

"Ryou?" A soft, female voice shattered their moment. A shy-looking girl with long, white hair like Ryou's floated up to their table.

"Kisara?" Ryou asked. He immediately pulled his hands into his lap, leaving Melvin confused and slightly hurt. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to play card games and have fun with my friends, but I didn't know this was a couple's retreat, so I wasn't allowed to enter the tournament. What are you doing here?"

"I'm winning card games. Kisara, this is my partner, Melvin. Melvin, this is my sister, Kisara."

"OMG! Plot twist!" Random fangirl # 5 says, and is immediately sacrificed to the ocean.

"The ocean is enjoying a healthy diet of duelists," Mako said from his life boat.

"Hi, Kisara," Melvin waved at her. "Ryou failed to mention he had a sister."

"We don't share the same mum. Perhaps that's why he forgets me so easily," Kisara said.

"I don't forget you, sister. I just don't have occasion to talk about my personal life."

"You always were a shy boy. A family trait, I think."

"Kisara; if you can't duel, how did you get access up here?"

"Courtesy of me," Set Kaiba answered as he appeared behind the girl, wrapping his arms selfishly around her collar bone. "Kisara, you never told me you had a brother."

"I'm beginning to think it was meant as a secret," Melvin said, "Why don't you two have a seat with us? Perhaps catch up with long lost relatives."

"You go ahead, Kisara," Seto said, "I have some business to finish before I can dine with you. When the waiter comes, tell him Mr. Kaiba wants the usual." Then he disappeared down the stairs again.

Kisara pulled up a chair and sat down between Melvin and Ryou. "It feels like it's been ages since we've seen each other. How is life treating you? Are you still at Domino High?"

"He would be if he actually attended school," Melvin replied, nudging Ryou's foot under the table.

"Yes, well what do you expect from an aspiring duelist? Half the school cuts class to partake in tournaments and lesser card games. And I want to fit in with the crowd, don't I?"

"Ryou, why is your tongue purple?" Kisara asked.

"I've been eating snow cones. It's becoming an addiction."

"But I thought you hated grape. That's the only purple flavor they offer on this boat."

"Well, yes, but," Ryou stumbled.

"He took a bite of mine, which was red," Melvin answered for him, "And it mixed with his blue snow cone, so his tongue is purple. It's perfectly simple."

"But your tongue is also purple," Kisara said.

"Yes. I also stole a bite of his snow cone. Friends can do that, steal food from each other. In fact, Ryou, I stole some of your gum earlier. I can give it back to you, but I'd have to cut it out of Yugi's hair."

"Oh, Melvin. How many times do I have to ask you not to do that? By now, he knows you're the one doing it."

"That pipsqueak couldn't get me back if he wanted to. I'd just put my hand on his forehead, and he wouldn't be able to touch me. He's far too short to win that one."

"It's still not very nice. Oh, goodie! The food's here." Ryou tore a chuck off his bread stick and dipped the end of it into his pasta sauce.

"Excellent! This koshary is just how I like it." Melvin stuffed his face, slurping grotesquely.

"Would you like to order something, ma`am?" the waiter asked, shielding his eyes from Melvin by offering Kisara a menu.

"Just a salad for me. Mr. Kaiba wants the usual."

"I will get right on it, miss."

"Oh my god cards! You could have at least warned me before you shoved it down my throat," Marik's shrill voice echoed from the stairs. Marik waved at the three lone guests as he appeared from the stairwell. "Hey, guys. I hope you saved us some food. Ooh! They have koshary here? That's my favorite. By the way, who is this?"

"This is Kisara," Ryou said, "My older sister."

"Sister? Bakura, you never told me you had a sister," Marik said, turning to the white-haired teen behind him.

"Technically, I don't," Bakura replied, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You!" Kisara exclaimed, rising to her feet as she glared at her brother's doppelganger.

"Hello, Kisara," Bakura frowned, crossing his arms and returning her glare full force.

"I thought I banished you to the shadow realm."

"Yes, well you're not the first to fail, and you certainly won't be the last."

"What are you doing here? Still corrupting my brother?"

"Actually, since I got my own body, he's the one who won't leave me alone. I suppose since I've been here for him so long, he's started to look up to me."

"Don't even start with me. It's because of you that our father won't let me around Ryou anymore. He's afraid of you – thinks you're a danger to us all, and he's probably right."

"Oh, Kisara. Your ignorance used to amuse me, but now it's just annoying. There is a far greater evil at large than I could ever dream to become. But Ryou will tell you himself that I am no longer a threat to his safety."

"It's true, Kisara," Ryou said, "Bakura is my friend now. He doesn't possess my body anymore."

"Ryou, you shouldn't trust him. Your innocence makes it hard for you to see people for what they truly are."

"With all due respect, I think I know him better than you do, sister. He might have been trouble in the past, but he's changed. He protects me now, and not because he has to."

"He's evil, brother! Once evil, always evil. People don't change, Ryou, especially not demonic spirits."

Ryou stood up, knocking his chair over. "My friends are not evil! You don't know what you're talking about. You live in a bubble with your perfect life and your perfect boyfriend and your perfect, living mother. You don't know how the world really works, Kisara, and you don't know what's good for me better than I do."

Kisara took a step back. "You've changed, Ryou. You used to be so sweet, so respectful. What happened to you?"

Ryou's mask of anger dissolved, and his knees began to wobble. But Melvin stood and steadied him with a strong, bronze arm. Just then, Yugi, Yami, Tea, Joey, Tristan, and Serenity bounced up the stairs, laughing and giggling in their joint ecstasy. Their smiles faded as the tension in the room hit them. The two groups faced each other.

"Sorry. Did we interrupt something?" Yugi asked politely.

"We were just leaving," Bakura said, taking Marik's arm and leading him down the stairs, "I think we'll give that room service a try."

"I'm not hungry anymore," Ryou said, taking a few shaky steps after them. Melvin helped him down the steps, his arm wrapped protectively around his waist.

Seconds later, Seto Kaiba reentered the room. "What's wrong with your brother? He looks sick."

"Brother?" the entire squad of protagonists exclaimed.

"Ryou will be fine. I think I've lost my appetite, however. I'll be in the room." Kisara pushed past them and ran down the stairs, Seto following shortly after.

"Well, alright, then," Joey said. He turned to his friends, "Let's eat. I'm starved."

* * *

**A/N: I wish Melvin had a sexier name. Who wants to make out with a guy named **_**Melvin**_**? Who even wants to read about a guy named **_**Melvin**_** making out? Oh, the inhumanity.**


	7. Daddy Issues

_Disclaimer: This is a used product. By continuing, you are consenting that we are not responsible should the product become damaged or stolen under your supervision. If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment by pressing the button at the end of the page. Please enjoy. _

**A/N: If I don't update regularly, feel free to complain to LittleKuriboh about it. Upon request, I will give you a made-up address and phone number you can contact him at. But for now, please enjoy this psychotic use of my time!**

* * *

"Do you want to talk about it?" Melvin asked, sitting Ryou down on the edge of the double bed.

"I'm sorry our family problems ruined your meal," Ryou sighed, holding his stomach with both arms.

"Nonsense. I've had much worse fights before. But I won't get into that now. Why does your sister hate Bakura so much?"

"She's always been the oldest, and since my mum died, she's been overprotective of me, like she thinks she can replace my mother. Then when my dad brought home the Millennium Ring from his expedition to Egypt, he gave it to me instead of her. For a while, she was jealous. Until she met Bakura for the first time. You see, they first met when we were having a casual duel together. Bakura overtook my body and tried to send her to the Shadow Realm. I wasn't awake then, so I don't know what happened, but when I did regain consciousness, Kisara told me she had sent the spirit of the Millennium Ring to the Shadow Realm. But a week later, he was back, and that's when I met you for the first time."

"That's right. Bakura introduced us. I'd almost forgotten. We probably shouldn't let your sister know that, or she'll try to separate us."

"Yes," Ryou said, bowing his head and closing his eyes.

Melvin sat down beside him, stared at him in silence for a while. "Ryou, why didn't you want Kisara to see us holding hands? Are you ashamed of me?"

Ryou shook his head. "It's not you so much as me. Kisara is old-fashioned. She doesn't believe in yaoi. I don't want her to know that I don't agree with her views. She might think I'm disrespectful. Not that she doesn't already. I shouldn't have blown up at her, but I got so angry. I've never been that angry before."

"You stuck up for your friends, Ryou. No one can fault you for that. I'm sure Bakura is grateful. Well, as grateful as Bakura can be, anyway. But I'm glad you don't think I'm evil. I know I made a lot of bad decisions in the past, but since I met you, I haven't wanted to kill people as much. Okay, so maybe I've bloodied a couple of creeps who were trying to hurt you, but that's beside the point. Your sister doesn't know you the way I do. She doesn't realize that being around you makes Bakura and I better people. We're not without our flaws, but no one is; not even infallible Kisara. Just don't worry about her. You know in your heart that you're a good person, and you don't need her approval."

"Thanks, Melvin." Ryou buried his face in Melvin's shirt. Melvin patted him on the back. After a time, he sat back up. "I need a shower."

"I'll be here when you get out."

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Ryou opened the door of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his hair. "Melvin, you didn't by any chance use the sink to – " he was cut off by a distinctly pleasing aroma wafting in through the steam. "Is that… no, it can't be… can it?" He peeked around the doorframe, then squealed in delight. "Melvin, how did you know?"

"I'm the best boyfriend in history, of course," he replied, holding up a dish of chocolate-covered creampuffs to his damp companion.

Ryou plucked one from the plate and plopped it into his mouth. "You even put on my favorite band."

"Yes, well, that was in part because I knew it would cheer you up and in part because I didn't want you to hear what's going on in the room next to us."

"Why? Aren't Bakura and Marik next to us? Wait, oh. Okay, you're right, I don't want to hear."

"It was starting to mess with my head. I mean, I'm only 6 – I shouldn't be exposed to this kind of thing."

"You're only six? How does that work?"

"Because I was Marik's imaginary friend. He created me six years ago when his father severely injured him. Didn't Bakura ever tell you my back story?"

"No."

"Oh. Have you ever seen my back?"

"No."

"Well, I believe it is story time." Melvin pulled his shirt over his head and turned his back to Ryou."

"Oh my goodness! What happened to your back?" Ryou exclaimed.

"It's a birth mark."

"But it looks like someone etched it into your back with a knife."

"Marik's father carved it into his back with a knife. From his great anguish, I was created. Since I share Marik's body – or at least his looks now – I also have the scars. Thus, a birthmark."

"What happened to Marik's dad? Did he get arrested?"

Melvin stared off into space for a moment, then looked down at the creampuffs and picked one up to eat. "Let's just say he was punished for his sins. Marik and I don't like to talk about it. It's all behind us now, and it should remain that way. Someday, if we remain companions for many years after this, someday I will tell you everything that happened while you were sleeping. But Marik, Bakura, and I have all turned over a new leaf. We can't afford to focus on the past at this crucial stage of our transformation. Here, have another creampuff." He pushed one into Ryou's hand.

"Melvin, I… I didn't know. I guess you really do have family issues."

"Had, Ryou. We've transgressed these things, for the most part. At least Marik and I have. Our sister and brother are still wary of me, but they're willing to give me a second chance, since I have been trying to prove myself worthy of such. It really helps that I have my own body."

Ryou nodded. He crossed the room and pulled out a clean pair of underwear from his drawer. "Are you ready for bed?"

"Just a minute. Let me brush my teeth."

"I think you only brush your teeth because you know it makes me want to kiss you," Ryou chuckled.

"It helps. But the purple on my tongue is starting to throw off my depth perception."

Ryou turned and gave him a funny look. "What?"

Melvin stuck his tongue out at Ryou, then took a toothbrush to it. Once perfectly satisfied with his cleanliness, he stripped down to his underwear and hopped into bed next to Ryou. Immediately, Ryou pressed his lips to Melvin's lips. "What, no foreplay?" he joked.

"I thought you were a guy who liked to get to the point," Ryou reminded.

"But I don't mind foreplay."

"Too tired. I'll do double the foreplay tomorrow night, if it makes you feel any better."

Melvin chuckled, pulled Ryou firmly against his body. He smoothed the damp hair from his forehead and started a trail of kisses from the top of his hair line to the bottom of his chin. "I never had a teddy bear, but I feel safe with you in my arms."

Ryou giggled and blushed. "I sleep better with you beside me as well. At least when you don't keep me up all night."

"You know you like it." They started kissing, making slow, tender movements in sync with their lips. "I love you, Ryou," Melvin whispered.

"I love you, too," he whispered back.

* * *

**A/N: Yes, the serious is interspersed with jokes. I know in real life, people wouldn't say they were doing yaoi. But I'm weird, so yeah. Anyway, more fruitcake to come, so don't overeat to the point that you're sick of it. And please leave a review. That way I know I should continue.**


	8. Fuzzy Navals On Motorcycles

_Disclaimer: It shall henceforth be known that all persons presuming Yu-Gi-Oh and it's ugly step sisters belong to the accused party will be bound and gagged and not allowed any cake. And not in an erotic way. _

**A/N: The following is a string of words that mean nothing together: purple index typhoid franchise autopsy the it sitting matrices. And now I shall continue my story, which will most likely make sense in context. Or if you think like a crazy person. I do because I am.**

* * *

Melvin awoke to the faint awareness that he was not alone in the room. Then he remembered he was sleeping with Ryou, who was tucked securely under his arm, snoozing peacefully. The porthole window to the right of their bed offered the faintest tinge of light, not enough that Melvin could make out any shapes not in his immediate reach. He settled back into his pillow and hugged Ryou to his chest.

"Stop poking me," he mumbled, wiggling around to face Melvin. Unintentionally, Ryou pressed his palm against Melvin's lower extremities, causing him to lurch backward in alarm and then fall off the bed. Ryou immediately awoke, sitting stark up in bed. "Melvin?" he asked in confusion, slurring his speech.

"Down here," he said, rubbing the place on his butt where he knew he would have a bruise later.

Ryou crawled to the edge of the bed and peered down at him. "Why are you on the floor?"

"You… you… well, it's your fault, anyway. Grabbing me without warning me."

"I was asleep. I didn't mean to. What's that blinking red light over there?"

"What?" Melvin turned to look at the wall opposite the bathroom. The door connecting their room to the other room was slightly ajar, and a persistent, red light hovered five feet in the air. Melvin grabbed the silver platter the creampuffs had been delivered on and threw it vertically into the small gap between the door and its jamb. The red light disappeared and they heard a _thud_ that was most definitely not the metal platter.

"Ow!" Marik cried in protest, "Bakura, that was my back you sat on. Get off me. I don't want to touch butts with you."

"Sod off, Marik," Bakura replied, pain apparent in his gruff voice. He pushed open the door with his foot and grumbled, "How the bloody hell did you make that shot?"

"Because I'm the pitcher." Melvin winked at Bakura.

Bakura shivered disgustedly. "Why do you have to do that? I will never get that picture out of my head."

"What does baseball have to do with anything?" Ryou asked.

"I too would like to know," Marik seconded.

"How long have you been filming us?" Melvin asked.

"Just a few hours. Marik fell asleep thirty minutes ago, but I've been standing here for quite some time."

"Why were you filming us, Bakura?" Ryou asked.

Bakura shrugged, putting the lens cap on his camera. "I got bored. Couldn't sleep. Marik thought it would be a good idea. We were curious as to why you had the music on."

"I turned on the music because of the noises you two were making, not the other way around. Binky boy."

"I told you they could hear us," Marik snapped.

"I thought that was the whole point," Bakura smirked.

"I thought we were only trying to annoy the people on the other side of us." Marik turned to the other couple, "You should have been there, though. They were getting louder than us."

"Marik," Bakura warned.

"So we got even louder, but then they started doing it against the wall. It was some of the freakiest stuff I'd ever heard. You should have heard the names they were calling each other. The one was called 'priest' and the other was 'blue eyes –'"

"Enough, Marik!" Bakura shouted, clamping his hand over the Egyptian's mouth.

"'Blue eyes'? Like the dragon? Is that what she was called?" Ryou asked, electricity sparking in his eyes.

Bakura held tightly to Marik's mouth, but could not stop him from nodding his head.

Ryou scowled and jumped out of bed. Bakura and Melvin sprang to their feet, but he was already out the door, down the hall, and banging on the door of the room beside Bakura's. The three boys rushed into the hall after him, stood helplessly as the furious teen continued to hammer on the door. Almost immediately, a taller, older boy with brown hair threw open the door with a snarl almost as furious as Ryou's. "What the hell is your problem?" Seto Kaiba demanded.

"Where's Kisara?" Ryou demanded, ready to shove himself into the room.

"She's not in here," Seto growled back.

"Then who have you been screwing all night?" Ryou demanded.

"Look, kid, it's none of your concern," Seto began, but was hushed by a voice inside.

"It's alright, Seto. He had to find out eventually." Kisara appeared under Seto's arm, draped in a thin, blue robe. "Hello, brother."

"Kisara, you… with Kaiba… how could you? My whole life, you preached at me about the sanctity of marriage, and here I catch you with your _boyfriend_ trying to outdo a gay couple with your sick, sexual fetishes. All this time, you made me think you were better than me. All this time, you were _screwing_ Kaiba. It's not the fact that you were having sex. I don't even care that it's Kaiba. But you lied to me. You spewed that crap about purity, but you didn't even listen to your own words. You made me feel guilty about things I only thought about when you were actually _doing_ them. I can't believe… I just can't. You make me sick." Ryou turned and stalked back into his room without a glance at anyone else.

Kisara shot a glare at Bakura, who crossed his arms and said, "I didn't tell him anything."

Melvin, as soon as the shock had worn off, hurried into his room behind Ryou only to find that he had locked himself in the bathroom and taken the stereo captive, its volume on full blast. Heavy death metal screamed at him in unintelligible words. He banged his fist on the door once. "Ryou, come out."

Bakura and Marik slinked into the room, closing the door behind them. "I didn't know he had any alternative CDs."

"It's mine," Melvin said, "It calms me down when I'm on the edge of murdering someone, brings me back to earth. But Ryou's not the same type of person I am. It won't work on him. It'll just hype him up more."

Bakura banged on the door a few times. "Ryou, turn it off! You need to let us help you. That music's not good for you."

"Flake off, Bakura," Ryou yelled back.

"Ryou, we aren't leaving until you turn off the music and talk to us," Marik shouted.

"Then you'll have to sit there all night," Ryou shouted back, but turned the music down to half volume.

"You and I both know your sister isn't worth it," Bakura said.

"You didn't know her the way I did. You didn't look up to her your whole life. You didn't have a strong, family bond with her. She never read to you or comforted you when you were sad or bandaged your knee when you slipped and fell. She didn't raise you." He turned the music back up again, though not as loud as before.

"Dammit, Ryou!" Bakura yelled, slamming his fist against the door again.

"He just needs some space, Bakura. Give him some space," Marik consoled. "It's like when you told me motorcycles weren't popular in Japan, and I went into that depression for a week. But then I remembered how beautiful I was because I spent so much time in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror. I just needed time by myself to remember that I was too good for the opinions of silly Japanese people."

Bakura blinked. "Marik, that story was so far from being similar in any fashion that it almost became similar just from the sheer ridiculousness of it."

"My feelings are not ridiculous!" Ryou protested.

"I know that, Ryou. I meant Marik's story was ridiculous."

"But he has a point. The point being that you should leave me alone."

"What Marik failed to emphasize was that I was the one bringing him food and talking to him every day until he came out of the bathroom. If it hadn't been for me, he would have starved."

"I can order room service," Ryou said.

"They'll have to go through us to give it to you, since you've locked yourself in the bathroom," Bakura pointed out.

"You don't have the phone, anyway," Melvin added.

"I hope you like French toast and hash browns, because Melvin and I are vegetarians, and we won't pollute your body with disgusting meats."

"Bakura eats meat. He'll get something I like."

"I think I'll have the raw oyster omelet," Bakura said.

Ryou turned the music up again.

"That's not helpful, Bakura," Melvin scolded, "You're just setting us back."

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Okay, Ryou. I lied. I think I'll have éclairs instead."

The music went down. "With chocolate sauce and strawberries on the side?"

"That's how I like it."

Ryou was silent for a moment. Then the music turned off and the door clicked, opened a crack, but no more. The four boys sat quietly. Then Ryou mumbled, "I like éclairs."

"I'll send the order," Marik said, grabbing the white phone on the night stand.

Melvin and Bakura sat down cross-legged on the floor and huddled in a circle around the crack Ryou had made. Melvin laid his hand at the base of the door and waited. A few seconds later, the door cracked a bit more and a smaller, white hand shot out, taking hold of the tan hand offered.

Marik sat down in the circle and announced, "They are preparing our meals."

Just then, Ryou's stomach growled. He inched the door open slowly until his full body was in view. His long, unruly hair covered the top portion of his face, stopping at the tip of his nose. Unable to kiss him, Melvin stroked the back of his hand with his thumb. They sat in silence for another moment. Then Ryou said, "Melvin, that music is awful. How can you listen to it?" Melvin chuckled, and Ryou relinquished a small smile.

* * *

By the time the food arrived, Ryou was back to his old self, and the four boys were having a good time sitting on the floor and entertaining each other. The man pushing the food cart awkwardly set the platters of food on the floor, then carried the dishes from the previous meals out of the room.

Once the door shut behind him, they dug into their food, talking and laughing as if their troubles didn't exist. "Who's up for an early-morning snow cone?" Melvin asked after he had finished his breakfast.

"Who's up for getting back in bed and sleeping for another few hours?" Bakura countered.

"Can we do both?" Ryou asked.

"For you, my pet, of course." Melvin kissed his forehead.

"Aw, Mini Kitty has a lover," Marik smiled. Ryou hit him in the face with a crust of bread. The boys laughed.

"I suppose we should at least put on pants if we are going out of the room," Bakura said.

"It's only six a.m. There won't be enough people out for it to matter if we go upstairs with only our pajamas on," Melvin deduced. "Besides, when they get a look at me, they won't say anything anyway."

And so it was settled. They each put on a pair of pajama pants and ventured up to the surface together. On deck, the night lights had just been turned off and only a few souls were awake. The only shops open were the breakfast café and the snow cone trailer, which already had a customer. They queued up to the window and placed their favorite orders. Several minutes later, their iced treats were distributed, and they circled around a table to enjoy the snow cones together.

"Bakura, what's your favorite flavor?" Ryou asked, indicating his yellowish ice.

"Fuzzy navel. Why?"

"That's a funny name. Marik, what do you have?"

"Tiger's blood, same as Melvin. He got his taste from me."

"Tis true," Melvin confirmed.

"Why do you like flavors with funny names?"

"Because we're cool," Bakura said, "And because they taste good."

Ryou looked at his cotton candy-flavored snow cone. "So since mine has a normal name, that means I'm normal."

"Nah. Personality doesn't work like that," Melvin said, "But if you want to be different, take a bite of each of ours." He held a spoonful of the red slush up to Ryou, who took it gratefully. Melvin looked pointedly at Bakura, who rolled his eyes and offered some to his twin.

"Here, Ryou," Marik said, "I don't want to be left out."

"And now we'll all take a bite of yours, so we can be as normal as you," Bakura smirked, digging his spoon into Ryou's blue slush.

Marik took a smaller, less forceful taste, and Melvin took a bite when Ryou offered it to him. "And now we are all normal, too," Melvin grinned, his purple tongue sticking out of his mouth teasingly.

Ryou stuck his tie-dye tongue out at Melvin. They all laughed together and enjoyed their treats in peace.

* * *

**A/N: Abrupt story ending is abrupt. More to come soon. And now for a word from our sponsers.**


	9. The Bakura Show

_Disclaimer: This work of fanfiction is a work of fanfiction. Some names have been changed. _

**A/N: I just realized what the opposite of super-special-awesome is: Nicki Minaj.**

* * *

The annoyingly chipper voice of the new announcer chick was the first thing to set Bakura off that morning. "Congratulations, honored guests! If you are hearing this, then you are the lucky 16 to make it to the semifinals of this tournament."

"Or you are a member of staff and should get back to work," Seto Kaiba growled into the microphone.

There was jostling over the intercom. Then Tea said, "Who let Kaiba in here? Tristan, you were supposed to watch the door and keep the duelists out."

"Sorry, I couldn't focus on anything but Joey's fine sister. Maybe if the door was as cute as her, I could have paid attention."

"I'm still waiting on my steak," Kaiba growled before the intercom shut off.

Bakura groaned, rolled over in bed only to be pushed roughly to the floor on the opposite side. "Fluffy, I don't care how similar you look to a cat, you are by no means small enough to lie on my chest."

"Don't flatter yourself, Marik," Bakura huffed, pushing himself to his feet and grabbing a pillow.

"What are you – GAH!" Bakura began to smother the blonde lightly. Marik kicked out blindly and nailed his attacker in the chest. He sat up and grabbed his sufficiently stuffier pillow, preparing to launch an offensive. With this weapon, he forced Bakura back on the bed and straddled his lap, raising his pillow in anticipation. He disarmed Bakura and held down his arms with the pillow. "You shouldn't start something you can't finish."

"I can finish just fine." Bakura bucked and knocked Marik off, quickly trading places as the one on top. He tore Marik's pillow out of his hands and tossed it across the room. Then he held Marik's arms down and brought his face dangerously close to Marik's face. "Now, what were you saying about cats?"

"That you're a pussy and wouldn't dare – EW!" He flinched and struggled as Bakura began licking his face, but to no avail. "Bakura, stop! That's so gross."

"But I'm your Fluffy. I thought this is what Fluffies do."

"I'll lock you in a cage if you don't stop," Marik threatened.

"Kinky," Bakura grinned, and took another taste of the Egyptian's cheek.

"I will neuter you with my bare hands if you don't stop."

Bakura cackled madly, letting go of Marik's arms and laying down beside him on the bed. "I knew you had it in you somewhere, Diva."

Marik wiped his face vigorously on Bakura's night shirt. "So all I have to do is threaten you, and you do what I say?"

"Just this once, because you made me laugh. Now, let's go wake up our doppelgangers and see what they've got planned for us on deck." Bakura pulled Marik to his feet and received a quick kiss before he was pulled across the room and quietly through the adjoining bedroom door.

The couple that occupied this room were not in sight, but were easily heard in the bathroom. Marik and Bakura tiptoed across the carpet and placed their ears against the bathroom door. Without warning, it opened and they fell on the tile floor at the feet of two shirtless boys.

"Bakura!" Ryou exclaimed, "Can't I have a minute with my boyfriend?" He offered the two his hands and pulled them to their feet. "You should get ready for the meeting. They're going to go over the guidelines and tell us what to expect for the semifinals. Melvin and I just need to put our shirts on."

"Give us a minute. We'll be right behind you," Bakura said, pulling Marik back into their room.

* * *

At 8 o'clock, the four boys emerged above deck and shifted restlessly from foot to foot as they awaited the arrival of the rest of the duelists. As they had expected, Seto Kaiba and Joey Wheeler were waiting with Yugi Moto and his Yami. Ryou lead his pack to the others and politely struck up a conversation with Yugi.

"Do you know who the other eight are yet?" Ryou asked.

"I have my suspicions, but I'm not sure of anything. Look, someone else is coming."

They all turned to greet a familiar pair of breasts accompanied by catchy theme music. Mai Valentine practically knocked Joey to the ground as she threw herself upon him. "How did I know I would see you guys here again? You always show up to the tournaments I do."

"If you ask me, you're the stalker. I mean, my sister is one of the announcers," Joey replied. Behind him, Duke gave a rather cheeky grin, ignoring for the moment his partner's obvious favoritism.

They were soon joined by Ishizu and Odion, and then by Mokuba and Rebecca.

"How did these children win a children's card game?" Joey exclaimed, eying the blonde girl with mild distrust. "I mean, Mokuba I can understand cuz he's a Kaiba, but how did Rebecca win?"

"Eat my dust, furry!" she exclaimed, "I could beat you in a duel with my eyes glued shut."

"Why, I oughta – " Joey began, but was interrupted by Yugi.

"Joey, don't get yourself kicked out by punching a girl. Instead get her back with the best kind of revenge: winning a children's card game," Yugi compromised.

"You're right, Yug. I'll humiliate her so bad, she'll wear the skin of her teddy bear over her head for the rest of her life."

Tea, Tristan, Serenity, and Kisara appeared from behind a door and joined the others. "Where are the final two contestants?" Tea asked, looking around as if they hid among the crowd.

"The ocean and I are sorry for being late. The alarm clock shorted out from water damage," Mako said as he approached his competitors.

"Look, it was funny for the first few chapters, but now this is ridiculous," Kaiba said, "You can't enter a couple's tournament with the ocean as your partner."

"Why not?"

"Because it just doesn't work that way. The rules were constructed specifically for _two_ duelists to be on each team. And you couldn't possibly have won six duel jewels with the _ocean_ as your partner."

"The ocean is offended," Mako barked, crossing his arms in protest, "All of your claims are absurd and untrue. The ocean is a great duelist, and we have won six jewels together."

"Each couple will now give their duel jewels to me," Tea interrupted, thrusting her hand into the crowd. Each pair clearly displayed their winnings until Mako was the only one left. He held out three jewels to her. "Where are the other three?"

"The ocean has them," Mako said.

"Then why doesn't she hand them over?" Kaiba sneered.

"Here you go," a bold, feminine voice replied from the side of the ship. Fog suddenly descended, encasing the duelists in thick moisture. From this mist emerged a human figure of blue liquid. As it drew closer, it solidified into a body of flesh and form, appearing as a normal human. The figure's face was dazzling and brilliant, with eyes like the sea after a storm. Her wavy red hair flowed like a waterfall down her back and to her ankles, stopping just above her bare feet. She was wrapped in a light, brown dress that highlighted every curve of her torso and thighs. She hooked her arm into Mako's and languidly extended her hand to Tea, offering the three jewels her husband had promised.

The assembly gaped at her in slack-jawed wonder. Mako beamed at the others. "Friends, this is my wife, the ocean. Ocean, these are my friends, the duelists. Except that Kaiba kid. He is not my friend."

"I'm Pacifica. Charmed to meet you all," she smiled politely.

"Holy _bleep_ on a _bleep_ sandwich," Tristan replied.

Tea cleared her throat. "Now that we're all here, we can begin with the regulations."

"Mako, you really did marry the ocean!" Joey exclaimed.

"I'm right here," Pacifica said.

"Joey Wheeler!" Tea scolded, "I am trying to do my job. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to read the regulations so that it doesn't take us another three chapters to start the card games." She shuffled her single paper and cleared her throat again. "Duelists are to compete in the original pairs in which they arrived on the boat. Each duelist will have his/her own deck consisting of 50 cards, separate from his/her partner's deck. No god cards are allowed. Cheating is also not allowed. Poisoning your opponents is not allowed. Poisoning yourself is not allowed. Any other forms of injury and/or death are not allowed. Using psychic and/or super powers in the duel is not allowed. Each pair will be given a team name; these will be announced later. Each pair will start with 6000 Life Points to share. The first pair to hit 0 loses, and the winners will go on to the next round. Pairs will be chosen randomly from a coconut. Duels will begin tomorrow after lunch. Anyone found violating the rules will be taught a valuable life lesson via blowtorches. Anyone caught referencing LOST will be taught the same valuable life lesson via flesh-eating worms. Until tomorrow afternoon, enjoy your stay on the Enterprise. Wait, who wrote that last line? Anyway, those are the rules. Now enjoy this catchy tournament theme song."

The intercom clicked on and "Cupid Shuffle" blared throughout the cruise ship.

"OMEGC!" Marik exclaimed, "This is my jam!" He pulled Bakura over to an empty part of the deck and began dancing spastically. "Come on, Bakura. This song is every duelist's jam. I know you want to dance with me."

Bakura crossed his arms. "Marik, you look ridiculous. No one else is dancing, and I won't be an enabler for you. Now stop; you're embarrassing me."

"You're no fun, Bakura. Why won't you ever dance with me?"

"Marik, what you're doing can't even be defined as dancing by American standards. You look like you're having a seizure."

"I'll dance with you, Marik," Ryou volunteered, skipping up to him cheerfully. He was followed immediately by Melvin, who picked him up and wrapped him around his neck, then started dancing similar to the psychotic moves Marik was making.

"Oh Ra, you guys are idiots. I think I'd rather talk to the Pharaoh. At least he isn't the dancing type of fruit." Bakura stalked off in that direction.

"I think I'm going to toss my cookies," Ryou warned, clamping his hand over his mouth.

Melvin set him back on his feet. "I only wanted to embarrass Bakura. I don't actually dance like that."

"There is nothing wrong with the way I dance," Marik protested, but ceased his jamming.

"Are you two as hungry as I am?" Ryou asked as his tummy rumbled.

Melvin and Marik's stomachs roared in unison, and Melvin laughed. He took Ryou's hand and tugged him toward the restaurant tower. "Come on, Marik. Let's get Bakura and have breakfast. With the way you two _exercise_ together, you'll need the calories."

"At least I get exercise, Tubby," Marik retorted. Melvin smirked at Ryou, who blushed in response. They met up with Bakura in the café, where it seemed all the duelists had had a collective thought to get a bite to eat.

"So, Pacifica," Serenity began innocently, "how did you meet Mako?"

"I kidnapped his father," she said as she buttered a biscuit, "while they were sailing when he was a child. He came after me, and we had a long talk about the necessity of ropes and why it was a good idea to tie yourself to the mast when sailing in rough waters. That was our first date. It wasn't until Duelist Kingdom that we could admit our love for each other. After he asked me to marry him, I promised to return his father as a wedding present."

"But the ocean withheld my father until our second marriage," Mako continued, "On that honeymoon, she took me to a private island off the coast of Japan where she reintroduced me to my father. But he was displeased with my union with the ocean, and so we broke up. But then my father died in a tragic scuba-diving accident, and the ocean was there for me. Now we are remarried again, and this is our third honeymoon."

"Because nothing says romance like a card game tournament," Bakura commented.

"Well, where would you take your wife on your honeymoon?" the Pharaoh retorted, "Or are you too good for a wife? Too busy sending children to the Shadow Realm, or making ridiculous plans to make an offer on Yugi's house just to back out of the deal and disappoint him?"

"Are you doing evil things behind my back, Bakura?" Marik accused.

"Bugger off, Pharaoh. At least I don't hang around kids 5000 years younger than I am."

"At least I'm not nailing the boy with daddy issues."

"At least I'm not identical to the boy I love."

"At least I can win a card game every once in a while."

"At least I'm not codependent on an orphan."

The Pharaoh crossed his arms. "Let's settle this the old fashion way: with a children's card game."

"Sod your card game. I haven't eaten in 12 hours, which can be fatal if you take my low blood sugar condition into account. I've won, and you don't have the balls to admit it."

"Okay, Mr. Cranky Pants," Marik soothed, "Let's get some food into you before you murder every duelist in sight."

"What's wrong with a little murder in the morning?" Melvin asked.

"The fact that you're the first duelist in sight," said Bakura.

"Touché. Let's appease the god of full stomachs, shall we?" The four boys sat down at a table overlooking the waves. As they were reviewing their menus, Ishizu and Odion pulled up a table and seats beside them. "Ah, Odion. I see the assassins failed."

Odion glanced at Marik. "You said he was medicated."

Marik rolled his eyes and turned to Melvin. "Melvin, did you forget to take your pills?"

"Perhaps."

"We've talked about this. If you don't take them, you can't play with Ryou."

Melvin groaned, crossed his arms, and extended a hand. "Fine. Give them to me."

Marik handed an orange bottle to Ryou, saying, "Make sure he takes one by mouth every morning. If need be, you can break open the capsule and sprinkle it over apple sauce."

"Apple sauce! I frigging love apple sauce," Melvin exclaimed.

Ryou took the bottle. "What will it do to him?"

"It should make him more socially acceptable."

"It will suppress my soul and turn me into a zombie," Melvin retorted.

"Shut up and take your medicine," Marik said. He nodded to Ryou who poured out a pill and handed it to Melvin.

"Go on, Melvin," Ryou encouraged, "You'll be able to make friends without wanting to kill them."

"But I'm friends with you and I don't want to kill you," Melvin said.

"Yes, but I can't be your only friend for the rest of your life. Besides, if you take your medication, you can have a family_ and_ friends. Wouldn't you like that?"

Melvin shrugged but swallowed the pill without complaint. "I'll do it for you, Ryou, because it will make you happy."

"How sentimental," Seto Kaiba said as he sat down at another window table. "I didn't know psychopaths could form relationships with normal people without police involvement."

"Sod off, Kaiba," Bakura snapped, "You wish your love life mattered half as much to the fans as ours does."

"I don't need love. I have money. I also don't have to be medicated for my brother to like me."

"But your brother does," Bakura retorted.

"Listen, you third-rate duelist. There will come a time in the very near future when this fanfic becomes centered around me, and I will carpe diem all over your ass, so bow down to your master like a good dog."

"That whole dog-thing only works on Wheeler because he's a furry," Bakura replied.

"And because he wants to do you," Marik added.

"Alright, sexy teenage male characters, I have the names of your teams right here on this list in my hand," Tea said as she walked into the room with Kisara at her heels, "Kisara and I have debated for a long time, and we feel these names best represent each ship – I mean, pairing. Since Kisara's voice is expected to be sexier because by the time she is introduced, there is more money in the budget for a decent voice actress, she will be reading the list to you."

Kisara took the list and the floor. "Alright, here they are: Joey and Seto are Team Puppy; Yugi and Pharaoh are Team Puzzle; Ryou and Melvin are Team Death; Bakura and Marik are Team Thief; Mokuba and Rebecca are Team Kiddy; Ishizu and Odion are Team Xeno; Mai and Duke are Team Flippant; and last but not least, Mako and his wife are Team Harpoon. From now on, you will be referred to by your team name for all duels."

"If you have a question, please direct it to someone who gives a crap," Tea added.

Kisara took her seat next to Seto. She glanced unintentionally at Ryou, who took Melvin's hand conspicuously and giggled at the very next words out of his mouth, which were, "Ryou, could you pass me the salt?" Kisara averted her eyes, blushing in shame, and Ryou and Bakura (who had noticed this transaction) smirked.

Bakura turned to Marik when he caught Kisara's eye again. "Marik, I think you have something on your face. Let me get it." Casually, he placed his lips on Marik's lips and licked off a drop of water in the corner of his mouth.

Marik kissed him back, then remembered they were in a crowded room and pulled away. "Bakura, quit flaunting your yaoi in public. You're going to make some of our straight friends sick."

"We have straight friends?" Bakura replied.

"I predict that you know fully well Odion and I are straight," Ishizu huffed half-heartedly.

"And I predict that by the end of this story, you two will be an item," Bakura retorted.

"I predict your prediction is too late," Ishizu said, taking Odion's face and proceeding to make out with him.

"Alright, I have to step in," the narrator said, "I know I said I would stay out of this, but you've gone way overboard, no pun intended. I know your sexy sexual fancies will entice the readers, but let's be honest: Ishizu and Odion, you two have to wait until the next chapter to start your inevitable romantic fling. I mean, this is a breakfast scene, not a club scene or a bedroom scene. Can we at least get a card game in before it gets too freaky?"

"Are we really doing this fourth-wall crap again?" Ishizu asked, pushing Odion away.

"I tried to keep it in tact – I really did. Okay, not very hard, but I thought I was doing a good job. Anyway, I'm trying to make a point with this 'Kisara is a villain' thing, so can we tone down the sex appeal for a minute, please? That's all I'm asking – until next chapter."

"Ra, you're annoying," Ishizu exclaimed. She sighed, forking an egg. "I guess kissing Odion can wait until next chapter. Is off-screen kissing okay?"

The narrator shrugged, "Sure. Whatever. Just wait until next chapter to showcase it. Alright, I'm going back to my reality now. Bye-bye."

The breakfast scene resumed without the protagonists realizing it had been interrupted. Marik began a game of footsies under the table with Bakura for no other reason than to add filler to the paragraph. Bakura stole a bite of Marik's apple strudel and remarked, "Why do you think our team is called Thief?"

"Because Rocket was taken," Marik replied, "Obviously."

"God cards, I hate you," Bakura sighed.

"Aw, I hate you too, Fluffy."

"I thought this story was about us," Melvin said.

"Our only reviewer asked for more thiefshipping," Ishizu explained.

"Thiefshipping? That sounds like an anvil-sized hint the writer is leaving for us," Marik said.

"Yes it does. But since I'm distracted by a sexy blonde Egyptian, I'm going to ignore the obvious symbolism and instead try to get in your pants," Bakura said.

"But Bakura, you've already been in my pants. You kinda have been for this entire story."

"Oh. Ballocks. Now we'll just have to end this chapter because the narrator's run out of things to do."

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, I'm going to try not to break the fourth wall via the narrator anymore. Blasted alter ego thinks she can dictate my writing style. Women, you know. But I can't kill her – she lived in my head. And now you think I'm crazy. I'll end my monologue now. Read and review and stay tuned for the next chapter. PS: It's about sexy gay guys. I know, you didn't expect that.**


	10. The Tentacle Monster

_Disclaimer: All fan-base are not belong to us. _

**A/N: Yu-Gi-Oh! The only card game officially endorsed by yaoi.**

* * *

The sun glistened off the white tips of the waves as the unattended duelists crowded onto the main deck for a refreshing venture in the sun free of card-related worries. Since last night, all the duel structures had been removed and replaced with the waterslides and other such attractions that had been there before the tournament started. Dressed in appropriate attire, the teens dashed into the giant wading pool in the center of the deck and proceeded to splash around loudly while the older duelists retained their composure as they stretched across the sun-bathing chairs and relaxed to the sound of the sea. Marik, Bakura, and Melvin, however, had found something more entertaining to do than join Ryou in the pool with his protagonist friends.

"We'll catch up to you later, Ryou," Melvin assured as he left his lover to his innocent games.

"What are you guys doing?" he called back suspiciously.

"Don't worry about it, Mini Kitty," Marik replied, suppressing a cheeky grin, "We're not planning anything dangerous; just looking for an outlet before the games begin." They hurried away before Ryou could object further.

"And now to cause some mischief," Bakura grinned as he worked the lock to one of the other duelist's bedrooms. The door clicked open and the three boys scurried into the room before they could be caught. Bakura immediately went to the bathroom and pulled open a tube of lipstick sitting on the counter. He drew an incredibly graphic picture of Kaiba 'riding' a Blues Eyes White Dragon, then signed it with Yugi's name.

Marik came into the room to admire his work, but Melvin didn't think so highly of it. "Is that all you got? I'm surprised, Bakura; I thought you were a lot more devious."

"I'm just warming up. Let's see what you've got."

"I'm making a water bed," Melvin replied as he filled the bathtub up with cold water.

Bakura cackled. "Allow me to assist you." He pulled a suitcase from the closet and dumped the contents into the bathtub.

"This is ingenious!" Marik proclaimed, "Now the colors will bleed and his clothes will be ruined!"

"Let's lay an egg, Bakura," Melvin suggested, bundling up the soaking clothes and wrapping them into a big, sopping wet ball. He chunked the ball across the room where they landed in the middle of the queen-size bed. "And now let's make the nest." They took the bed sheets and pillows and bunched them up into a ring around the soggy clothes. The three stood back and admired their handy work, then headed out the door.

They proceeded down the hall and rounded the corner, but were stopped in their tracks by an unexpected arrival. Ryou stood with his hands on his hips in front of Yugi and Yami's room. The three boys masked their guilty faces with innocent smiles, but could not fool Ryou. Ryou, however, could fool them, and pulled a room key out of his pocket with a devilish smile. He unlocked the door and led the group into their rivals' room.

"What do you guys usually do in here?" Ryou asked.

"Everything," they replied in unison. Bakura pulled out the lipstick from earlier and went straight to the bathroom to try his hand at yaoi. Melvin pulled out the suitcase and dumped the contents on the floor.

"So many possibilities, so little time," he sighed.

Ryou grabbed up the underwear and hopped up on the bed. "I used to do this to my sister." He hung the garments on the fan blades, then went to the light switch and rigged it so that when Yugi flipped on the lights, the fan would come on full blast as well.

"Ryou, I'm surprised," Melvin grinned, "I didn't know you could be so devious."

"Don't underestimate me. I'm the king of deception. It's just that no one is able to tell."

"That's my boyfriend," Melvin bragged to Marik.

Marik took the socks and several shirts and lay them on the bed. Then he pulled a tube of super glue out of his pocket and quickly set to work gluing a pair of socks to the breasts of each of the shirts so that they appeared to have saggy boobies. **[A/N: Don't you love my choice of diction?]**

Ryou suppressed a giggle as he took needle and thread to another shirt, in effect doing the same thing as Marik in a much more tedious manner. He held the finished product up for Melvin to see. "Doesn't it look fantastic?"

"You're a regular Vera Wang, Ryou," Melvin agreed.

"If you ladies are done sewing, we should get out of here before the owners come back," Bakura suggested, helping the lot of them to their feet. The four boys took off into the hall and back to the water rides to enjoy the rest of the cruise before the battles.

When they arrived on deck, Marik, Melvin, and Bakura went immediately for the tallest, fastest, most dangerous ride on the ship: the Tentacle Monster. Marik and Bakura jostled over who would go up the ladder first, but Bakura shoved Marik on his butt and shot up the ladder like a spider monkey, Marik following closely. Ryou stood at the base and looked up with sheer terror splattered across his face. Melvin nudged him, "What's the matter, Ryou? Are you afraid of heights?"

"I'm more afraid of dying than anything," he answered in a small voice.

"Nonsense! No one's ever died riding the Tentacle Monster before. At least not because of the ride itself," Melvin reassured with an evil gleam in his eyes.

"It's just… I'm not really a fan of Tentacle Monsters. They're too hard-core for me."

"You are getting on this slide if it's the last thing you do," Bakura declared as he reemerged from the water the slide ran into.

"No thank you," Ryou protested, but Bakura pushed him up the stairs and blocked the way back down, so the three of them climbed to the top and stood on the rickety platform at the mouth of the slide. Ryou gulped, turned toward Melvin for encouragement.

Melvin smiled and stepped in front of him. "I'll go first, just so you know you'll be safe." He sat down and pushed himself into the roaring rapids of the Tentacle Monster. He cackled madly the whole way down until he submerged with a _splash_ in the pool at the bottom. He threw his drenched hair out of his eyes and yelled up to the platform, "Come on down. I'm still alive."

There was a momentary pause, then Melvin watched as the tiny blob that looked like Ryou swooshed down the monstrous slide. Everything seemed to be going normal until a blood-curdling scream echoed from the ride, and seconds later, a limp body plunged into the water. Melvin dove in and drug his lover ashore as the duelists on the floor crowded around them. He smoothed the hair off of Ryou's face and sighed in relief when he noticed he was conscious. "Ryou, what happened? We heard you scream."

"My… my toe. It got caught on a crack in the slide… I think it's broken."

"A stubbed toe? Is that really why we're all crowded around him like he got shot?" Kaiba sneered. Melvin turned around and punched him in the crotch, and he doubled over in agony.

"Seto, that's insensitive," Kisara chastised, kneeling down beside her brother and taking his hand. "It's going to be alright, Ryou. We'll get you to the infirmary as soon as possible."

Melvin pushed his arms under Ryou's body and carefully lifted him. "I've got you. No need to worry about walking."

"The infirmary is this way," Kisara said, and led the entire procession of Ryou's friends there. Kaiba remained on his side on the deck, his teeth clenched in pain.

…

"It's just a sprain," the doctor diagnosed, "It should stop hurting by the morning."

"Will I be able to duel?" Ryou squeaked.

The doctor smiled. "Yes, but to make sure, you should stay off your feet, or at least this foot. Don't put too much pressure on it or it will take longer to heal. You should be more worried about sunburn – with your pale complexion, you're twice as likely to get it as your tan friend here."

"Thanks, doc," Melvin said, picking Ryou up and carrying him out of the room. The others had all dispersed except for Kisara. "Where do you want to go, Ryou?"

"I think I need a nap," Ryou replied. He turned his head and smiled at his sister, "Thank you for sticking up for me. You didn't have to do that."

Kisara stroked his forehead. "I'm your big sister. I have to protect you. I love you, Ryou, even if it seems like I'm hard on you sometimes."

Ryou closed his eyes. "I'm sorry for screaming at you. You caught me off guard, is all. I mean, you should have told me what you were doing from the beginning instead of lying to me. I would have understood."

Kisara averted her eyes. "I was ashamed of what you might think of me if you'd known. I want you to respect me as your responsible, big sister. I just didn't want to confuse you."

"Kisara, I understand. You're in love. It happens. You don't have to hide who you are from me. I might not want all the details, but I want to know that you are happy, and if Kaiba makes you happy, I don't care what you do with him."

"Ryou, you're the sweetest little brother a girl could have. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I should keep you in my life rather than hide it from you."

Ryou nodded. He lay in Melvin's arms quietly for a moment as the three of them walked into the elevator. Finally, Ryou spoke. "There's something I need to tell you, Kisara. A confession, if you will." He took a deep breath. "Melvin and I are dating. We've been friends for some time, and he protects me from bad people and makes me feel better when I'm upset. He's sweet and he loves me, and I love him too."

Kisara smiled at him. "I know. I can see it in the way you look at each other. You'll be good for each other, I know it. I'm happy that you found someone who makes you happy, brother." She turned her attention to Melvin, "But if you ever hurt him, I'll make sure you pay with your limbs and favorite appendage."

Melvin chuckled. "I will never hurt Ryou, I promise." The elevator doors opened, and Melvin stepped out with Ryou in tow.

Kisara waved, saying, "I'll see you two at lunch. I'm going to make sure Seto isn't permanently injured." The doors closed and Melvin continued to their room.

"I like your sister," Melvin confessed, "She can be forceful when she needs to be."

Ryou smirked. "Yes, my sister is very flexible. She can be sweet, but she can also be cruel. I think that's why she's been such an effective older sister."

Melvin pushed open the room door and carried Ryou inside, shutting the door with his foot before walking across the room and laying Ryou down on the bed. He hopped over him and landed on the other side of the bed with a bounce, stretching himself out and getting comfortable. "Would you like to change out of your wet clothes before taking your nap, or would you rather soak your sheets?"

"I'll change. Can you hand me my pajama pants?"

"Of course, beautiful Ryou." He crossed the room and took their two pairs of pants out of the drawer. When he turned around to hand over the bottoms, Ryou was completely naked. He covered his eyes reflexively, and turned around again. "Sorry. You should have warned me."

"Warned you? I did it on purpose. I thought you… you know. I thought you might want to… fool around."

Melvin uncovered his eyes. "Fool around? But I thought you wanted to take it slow?"

"We will take it slow. But we have to start somewhere. Don't you want to… start?"

Melvin turned to face Ryou. He took in his white, naked body, lingering on a particular spot. "I… I've never… I don't know what to do."

"Then we're in the same boat." Ryou patted the bed beside him, giving him an encouraging smile. "Just relax, lay back, and be with me for a while without anything hiding us from each other. That's all I want, at least for today. As you said, tournaments are for serious injury, not serious romance."

Melvin looked down at the clothes in his hands, then decidedly dropped them and pulled off his swim trunks. He crawled onto the bed and laid on his back next to Ryou. "This is the first time I've exposed myself to anyone. It feels strange, but in a good way." He gazed up at the ceiling awkwardly, just as Ryou was doing. They lay in silence for a moment. Then simultaneously, they reached out and took each other's hands. They glanced at each other and shared a brief smile before gluing their eyes back to the ceiling.

"This isn't what I expected," Ryou said, "I thought it would be a lot more romantic."

"You forget we're both virgins. There's no way we would have gone right into being comfortable naked with each other. Marik said it takes time."

"Hmm. Bakura doesn't seem like the sort of person who would wait for his boyfriend to get comfortable before jumping into bed with him."

"Bakura isn't. But Marik needed time, and since Bakura loves him so much – no matter how vehemently he denies it – he was willing to give Marik the time."

"I never knew that," Ryou said, "I just assumed they hit it off immediately and that they'd been intimate since the beginning."

"That's because you never talked to Marik about it. Bakura wouldn't tell you because he has too much pride. Marik, however, doesn't care about looking macho. He also tells me everything, and I mean _everything_."

Ryou giggled. "That sounds like a conversation I'm glad I'm not a part of."

Melvin chuckled, "Yes, it was a bit much for Marik to tell his six-year-old brother, but mentally I'm the same age he is."

Ryou chuckled. "I think I prefer just talking to you in the nude. It's a lot less pressure than… doing other nude things. Taking it slow is fun."

Melvin nodded. "We'll do couple things someday, Ryou. Rushing is never good for the relationship. Any children's show will prove it to you."

They lay in silence for a while, content to bask in each other's company. Then Ryou sighed. "I suppose we should get dressed for lunch. And we should tell Bakura and Marik that our feud with Kisara is over. We wouldn't want them doing something foolish to set her off again."

"Right. By the way, Kisara does have her own room outside of Kaiba's, right?"

"I think so. Why?"

"Oh, no reason. But if she asks, I was with you all day and I never left your side, understand?"

Ryou rolled his eyes. "I'll claim you, but I'm not lying for Bakura."

"I wouldn't ask you to."

* * *

**A/N: I know I'm a horrible tease. But would you love me any other way?**


	11. Under Surveillance

_Disclaimer: [Insert funny statement about not owning _Yu-Gi-Oh_ here] _

**A/N: It's 2 am and I'm still awake writing this story. If I get it posted to FanFic, it's no longer annoying me, threatening the life of my fan-base.**

* * *

The café had been redecorated so that streamers of blue and brown dangled from the ceiling like thick ribbons of spider webs spun by a colony of drunken arachnids. Joey Wheeler sat in the corner with Mai Valentine perched on his lap, molding his hair like blonde pottery while simultaneously shredding his dignity like parmesan cheese. In the diagonal corner, Tristan and Duke were arm-wrestling over the right to stare at Serenity during lunch today. Serenity and Pacifica stood in the center of the room admiring the décor while Mako fished from a window that wasn't made to be opened. Yugi was flirting with Tea was flirting with the Pharaoh was flirting with Yugi. Odion was lying under a table along the back wall while Ishizu firmly pressed her tongue into his mouth. Mokuba and Rebecca were watching the latest Pixar movie via his brand new laptop, completely oblivious to the freaky stuff around them. Kisara was trying to hold back laughter as Seto pressed a bag of frozen peas to his junk. Bakura and Marik were writing a hit-list while working on yet another song parody. And Melvin and Ryou were enjoying a rousing game of "That's My Horse".

At long last, the food was brought out by an army of waiters with aprons and hats matching the streamers. All 20 of the guests immediately dropped what they were doing and piled into the seats around the one feasting table, forcing all the competitors to sit together and eat without the threat of dismemberment or humiliation at the hands of trading cards. Nonetheless, Seto was still seated at the head of the table with only Kisara to talk to. But since Ryou sat beside her and they were back on speaking terms, Seto didn't get much attention from his girlfriend, either.

At the opposite end, Pacifica and Mako were ignoring their food in exchange for a much more delicious oral occupation. The rest of the diners at their end of the table were doing a fine job of ignoring them up until the point when Mako's foot knocked over the pudding, spilling it out across the table and tainting some of the more desirable dishes.

"Under the table. Go under the table to do that," Joey exclaimed, trying to salvage the pizza he'd been guzzling for the past five minutes. "I get that it's your honeymoon and all, but you've been married twice before. Shouldn't you be over this by now?"

"Spoken like a true virgin," Duke retorted.

"Nyah, shut up!" Joey replied, making a fist and shaking it in his general direction.

"Pharaoh, you must try some of this macaroni. It's delicious," Tea said, cramming a spoonful of the yellow goo into his unsuspecting mouth just as he was turning toward her to decline.

"Gmm nmh puhff!" he exclaimed, spitting the stuff onto the table and wiping his tongue off on his napkin.

"Good, huh? Want another bite?" The Pharaoh slapped his hand over his mouth and shook his head fervently. "Okay," Tea shrugged, "but you're missing out."

"I'll take a bite of that, Tea," Yugi offered, giving her his signature smile of innocence.

"It's right there on the table, Yugi. There is more than enough for you to have your own bowl." She returned to her food, averting her eyes from the dwarf.

"That's two strikes and one hit," Odion observed to Ishizu, inconspicuously taking her hand under the table. "So I must ask you, will I also strike out? Or will our team make a home run?"

Ishizu giggled, covering her mouth to hide her tell-tale smile. "Ask me after lunch, and you might just score."

"Ishizu, why are you and Odion talking about baseball?" Marik asked, then pointed at Bakura, "Bakura also likes to play. He said he's the pitcher and that I should be the catcher. But then he said something about batting for the other team, and I told him he was only allowed to be on my team because the other team didn't deserve him. Also, he would look better in my uniform. I'm good at dressing him. What's so funny?!"

Ishizu and Odion were laughing so hard that they choked on their food and had to escape to the bathroom together. Marik crossed his arms and turned to comment on the matter to Bakura, but he was having a glaring contest with Melvin from across the table (probably another baseball dispute, Marik thought), so he huffed and returned to his steamed broccoli.

Bakura glared at Melvin, his eyes fierce in their resolution not to blink. Melvin stared back with a crazed gleam in his eyes. Slowly, his long, cow-like tongue slithered out of his mouth and began dancing around grotesquely while they both completely ignored it as if unaware of its presence. Ryou turned to him to say something, but upon realizing the duel between the two yamis, decided better to wait than to interrupt, and so returned to his conversation with his sister. Bakura stealthily pulled a knife out of his pocket and began picking his nails with it without looking. Even still, their eyes remained glued to each other's, and the duel progressed without break. Even when a dinner roll flew across their optical connection, they continued to glare, stubbornly refusing to be defeated.

Each beside his boyfriend, Ryou and Marik locked eyes from across the table and formulated a plan. They stood simultaneously, stepped behind their boyfriends, and counted off with their fingers. Together, they yanked the chairs from beneath the boys, who went down like sacks of beans being tossed at unsuspecting penguins. Then the hikaris rushed to each other and huddled securely against the wrath of their boyfriends.

Bakura stood up cursing and rubbing his arm. Melvin sprang to his feet and picked up a baked potato which he tossed at Bakura, who caught it and hurled it at the two who had ruined his game. They dodged the potato and rejoined, holding each other protectively. "You cost me my game, Marik. See if I allow you into the room tonight."

"Don't worry, Marik," Ryou soothed, "You can sleep in our tub if you like."

"What makes you think I'm letting you into my room?" Melvin challenged, "I would have won that if you'd given me two more minutes. But no, you had to have my attention right then." He picked up another, softer potato and flung it at them.

"Food fight!" Joey yelled, standing up and shoving his hand into the macaroni.

"Sit your ass down!" Seto commanded from the opposite end of the table. Joey unwillingly obeyed, dropping the macaroni back into the bowl with a disgruntled grumble.

At that moment, Ishizu and Odion returned from their separate restrooms. They took in the scene before them with confusion, then sat back down and continued eating. None of this had bothered the married couple vigorously making out at the table. Everyone returned to their seats, though Marik with a wary glance at Bakura before scooting his chair closer to his sister. Bakura glared at him and ran his finger under his chin expressively. Marik gulped, and Bakura grinned evilly.

Across the table from them, Ryou put on his shiniest pair of puppy-dog eyes and asked Melvin, "Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

Melvin grinned madly, patting the white hair. "No, but I might could find it in my bed to." At this, Ryou's checks flamed and he returned to his food without another word. Melvin chuckled to himself and wrapped his tan arm around Ryou's back. "I suppose I could forgive you, but it'll cost you."

"I don't have any money on me," Ryou confessed.

Melvin shook his head. "I don't want your money. No, what you must give me is something I'll collect after the cruise is over. For now, I'll loan you my forgiveness. Then when we get home, you can earn it."

Ryou cringed slightly when he asked, "I won't have to wear some kind of costume for this, will I?"

Melvin cackled. "No. No costume at all."

Marik cleared his throat loudly, and Melvin stopped laughing, gave him his attention. "Melvin, remember what I said about appropriate dinner table conversations?"

Melvin rolled his eyes and whined, "But Marik! Ryou and I were having a perfectly mature conversation."

"Probably too mature for our audience."

"Or too mature for the spies watching our author's posts," Bakura replied, staring pointedly into the spyware.

"But some of the audience wants to know about it," Melvin reasoned.

"Yes, but the spies dictate whether our story ever reaches that audience again."

Melvin sighed discontentedly and went back to his vegetable soup. Through his mouth full of food, he grumbled to Ryou, "It's still gonna happen. We'll just have to wait 'til break to do it."

* * *

The night air washed over the deck of the ship like a tidal wave of impalpable clouds. The horizontal fence of lights surrounding the decoupage snow cone area splashed blobs of illumination across the blithe faces of the two remaining patrons sitting at a secluded table together. The lighter one casually relaxed his hand in the center, a not-so-subtle invitation to the darker man. The darker man, having no reserve at all, snapped up the hand and smoothed its pale skin with his suave thumb. He lapped up the crushed red ice while his white companion took tentative nibbles at the blue ice in his slack fist.

"Melvin, if we don't win this tournament, will you still love me?"

"Clearly, sweet Ryou. Why would losing a children's card game cause me to stop loving you?"

Ryou shrugged. "I don't know. I suppose it's an irrational fear of mine."

"I have an irrational fear of cows, but it doesn't stop me from drinking milk." Ryou raised an eyebrow at him, and Melvin continued, "Some things seem scary, but their outcomes generally outweigh the risks. You may be afraid that love will hurt you, but if you give it a chance, it could make you the happiest you'll ever be."

"Wow, Melvin. That was surprisingly deep."

"Unlike the wading pool."

Ryou rolled his eyes, swallowing the last of his snow cone. "Time for bed," he said, standing up and chucking his cone into the trash can as Melvin followed his lead, "If we don't get enough rest, we might lose the card game."

"But you won't lose me," Melvin added, taking Ryou's hands firmly, "I will always be here for you." They stared into each other's eyes, and an intensity like lightning passed between them, through the pupil down to the very cores of their beings. Ryou pushed up onto the tips of his toes, and Melvin bent his head ever so compliantly, cupping the shorter boy's chin and placing a soft kiss on his parted lips. Ryou wrapped his arms around Melvin's neck, pulling him down to his level and placing several more soft kisses on his lips. With one flowing movement, Melvin lifted Ryou under his knees while simultaneously steadying him with the other arm behind his back. As if instinctually, Ryou wrapped his legs around Melvin's waist and anchored himself comfortably on his torso. Blindly, Melvin carried him into the elevator, faintly aware of his surroundings past the intoxicating touch of Ryou's lithe body. The ride down seemed too short as Melvin explored the region under Ryou's shirt. He wobbled into their room and plopped down onto the bed, whereupon they tore each other's clothes off and plunged deeper into the caves of their faces.

From the slightly ajar connecting door, a small red light blinked.

* * *

**A/N: Alas, a short chapter! Oh the inhumanity! There's only one thing to do: leave a review.**


	12. Hopeless

_Disclaimer: Om nom nom. I am enjoying a delicious meal of not owning Yu-Gi-Oh._

**A/N: If you don't want your summary to be lame and icky, you shouldn't hold down Shift – it gets sticky.**

* * *

The thin rays of light trickling in through the porthole window illuminated the tangled heap of sheets kicked to the foot of the bed in a ghostly gray circle. Intertwined in the center of the bed slept two boys dressed only in their skin and hair. The smaller boy snoozed peacefully, enfolded in the muscular arms of the tanner one, whose succulent lips rested against his forehead, nose leisurely taking in the scent of the bountiful white locks and exhaling its own back onto the scalp as if trading essences. The adjoining door on the far wall had been closed during the night in attempt to hide from the residents the fact it had been open in the first place, and also perhaps to hide a similarly arranged couple in the room on the other side of the door.

As the room gradually brightened with the rise of the early morning sun, Ryou stirred and made to readjust himself while still mostly asleep. That is, until Melvin's pained cry jerked him into consciousness. He looked up through sagging lids to find the Egyptian clutching his nose and glaring at him. A wave of guilt washed over Ryou, and he apologized in a squeaky voice, "Sorry. Is it bleeding?"

Melvin tossed him a toothy grin and released his nose. "It's fine," he replied in a hushed rumble, "Doesn't even hurt." He gathered Ryou into his arms and pressed him to his chest, pressed his warm, pink lips to Ryou's, melted into his intoxicating touch. He groped the boy's back and chest, his hands sliding down his supple figure until they found the right hold, and Ryou moaned in pleasure.

The unexpected blare of the intercom snapped them apart as the nasally voice of the male announcer proclaimed, "In a few hours, the card games will start, so rise and shine you lot of moochers." The intercom clicked off.

Ryou took several steadying breaths as he tried to calm his racing heart. "Geez, Ryou, you're as white as a ghost," Melvin teased, to which the former retorted with a shove. The boys reattached and pressed into each other again, returning to the task at hand. But all too soon, a duet of roaring stomachs killed the mood, and they agreed nonverbally that it was time for breakfast.

When they were ready to go upstairs, Melvin rapped on the adjoining door and called out, "Quit sucking face and get yourselves some real food." Then he laced his fingers through Ryou's and drew him upstairs.

As soon as their footsteps had faded entirely, the inner door clicked open and Bakura eased himself into the room, followed by Marik, whose bare shoulders were draped in a thin, off-white bed sheet. Bakura, in contrast, was stark naked. "I don't know about this, Bakura," Marik warned, his forehead creased with anxiety.

"Quit fretting and hand me the camera," his lover ordered, holding his palm out behind him without bothering to face his accomplice. Marik obediently stripped the camera from his wrist and handed it over. Bakura snapped a few shots of the bed and its neglected covers, then turned and walked briskly back into his room, after whom Marik practically flew, his veil whipping the air behind him.

"What are you going to do with that footage?"

Bakura smirked conspiratorially. "I've got a few idea."

* * *

The café was already vibrant with life when Ryou and Melvin walked in, hand-in-hand. Most of the diners ignored this rather obvious affirmation of their suspicions toward the Egyptian and the Brit. Most of them did, but Tea was not most people.

"OMEG! Deathshipping! I must get a picture for my deviantART account!" Tea bounced across the room and aggressively shoved the couple against a window overlooking the crystal waves. She yanked a camera out of her cleavage and snapped about six pictures before either of the boys knew what was going on. Then Melvin snarled at her, and she let out a terrified "Eeep!" before darting back to her table in the middle of the room.

On the opposite side, Kisara stifled laughter, motioning to her brother to join her along the far wall. Ryou tugged silently on Melvin's arm until he got his attention, then jerked his fluffy head toward his sister and raised his eyebrows as if in question. Melvin stuck his tongue at the girl, but led Ryou to her table all the same. When they sat down next to her, Kisara asked, "Are you two ready for the games to begin?"

"I'm more ready for breakfast to begin," Melvin replied, and Ryou rolled his eyes.

"Who do you think is going first?" Ryou asked his sister.

She shrugged. "It's all randomly done. I couldn't even make an educated guess."

"Who do you think is most likely to lose?" Melvin asked.

"Melvin," Ryou scolded.

Kisara turned her eyes to the ceiling as if the answer were written there. "I haven't seen most of the pairs duel, but if I had to pick one, I would say Team Harpoon. I just don't see how the ocean could be a good duelist."

"I was thinking the two children might be the least likely, since they surely don't have as much experience," Melvin replied.

Kisara waved him off. "I can't give my opinion on them. I'm dating the boy's brother."

"There seems to be a lot of that going around," Seto Kaiba said as he slid into the seat next to her.

"Hush up," she smirked, giving him a quick peck on the lips.

"It's irrelevant, anyway," Kaiba continued, "I'm going to win this one. End of story."

"Could you defeat your own brother in a duel?" Ryou asked.

Kaiba snorted, picking up a biscuit and buttering it. "Mokuba won't even make it past the first round. He barely played before he met that blonde chick and joined her team for this. And even if I did have to play him in the first round, Mokuba wouldn't have the balls to beat his precious big brother."

"Lovely," Kisara sneered, returning her attention to her own brother. "At least we have a normal sibling relationship."

"What about my brothers and sister?" Melvin asked, amused by this thread of conversation, "I mean, clearly my relationship with them is strange, but what about amongst the three of them?"

"Didn't Odion cut that writing into his face for Marik?" Ryou began.

"Yes."

"And weren't Ishizu and Marik fighting against each other over the fate of the world during Battle City?"

"Alright, Marik causes problems, sure. But what about Ishizu and Odion?"

"Even I can see where that relationship is unnatural," Kisara commented, receiving a snicker from the Egyptian accompanied by Ryou's confused noise.

"You're perceptive, Kisara, I'll give you that," Melvin smirked, "And if I had to choose between you and your boyfriend, I'd take you any day."

Kaiba growled, and Kisara giggled. "Don't encourage him!" Kaiba protested, "You saw what he did to my room."

"Now, Seto, that may not have been him," Kisara argued, although she knew very well who all were responsible for that vandalism. She'd seen Bakura's artwork before.

"I thought you might be more angry about what I did to your crotch when you insulted Ryou," Melvin taunted, receiving an elbow to the nipple from the boy he had defended.

"I'm over that. My crotch received excellent nursing afterward."

Ryou coughed violently, doubling over into Melvin's lap. Kisara kicked Kaiba in the shin. "Dammit, I told you to shut up," she whispered harshly.

"Maybe we should eat elsewhere," Melvin suggested, "That way innocent Ryou won't have to convulse throughout the meal."

Kisara pulled her brother into her lap and patted his back as only an older sister could, and he calmed immediately. She smoothed the hair from his face. "Ignore our boyfriends. They're clearly in competition to see who can receive the most bruises in one conversation."

Ryou grimaced. "Maybe I should find a nice girl. _They_ never talk in such course language."

"My breasts sensed a sex-god in the balcony," Mai announced as she flew into the room and launched herself into Joey's lap.

"On second thought, I think Mako had the right idea about who to marry," Ryou amended.

"You mean _that_ Mako?" Melvin gestured to a couple laying under a table, completely engrossed in each other's face cavities.

"At least I could avoid her by going inland if she got too unbearable," Ryou defended.

"Hurricanes," Kaiba reminded.

Ryou huffed. "That's it. I'm joining a monastery. Most of those people don't even talk."

"But Ryou," Melvin protested, "If you left me, I wouldn't have anything to do other than torment people and destroy things. How could I enjoy my red snow cone when you wouldn't be sitting next to me with a blue snow cone so that we could make purple together. I like purple."

Ryou smoothly transitioned from Kisara's lap to Melvin's lap. He wrapped his arms around his neck, kissed his cheek, and said, "I suppose I can stay with you."

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Kaiba grumbled, making to leave the table. But Kisara restrained him with a delicate touch, coaxed his face to follow her hand to her lips, and kissed him tenderly before releasing him and returning to her breakfast. Kaiba paused for a moment, then sighed and started eating as well. "You play dirty."

"I thought you liked dirty."

"Only in the bedroom."

Ryou choked on his food, hacking bits of eggs up from his throat and onto the table cloth. With one good thwack, Melvin helped Ryou dispel the rest of the invaders from his air tubes. He wiped at his eyes with a trembling hand before pushing his chair back. "I think I've had enough near-death experiences this morning."

"Don't leave on our account," Bakura ordered as he and Marik pulled up seats at the quickly-filling table.

"It's not you; it's Kaiba," Ryou explained, trying to unwedge his chair from the two surrounding him.

Marik grabbed his arm, fished around in his pocket, and brought out a pair of ear plugs. "I thought you might need these."

Ryou giggled, taking them from him. "Thanks. I suppose if I can't hear the conversation, it won't make me sick." He sat back down and placed the plugs in his ears.

Bakura smirked maliciously at the straight couple. "And now I can be as explicit as I want."

* * *

When breakfast had ended, the duelists were called together for the selection of the first dueling pairs. "Gather around, everyone, and I'll select two slips of paper from this coconut," Tea announced as she stood before the crowd of semifinalists. "Serenity, if you please."

Serenity held up the coconut so that Tea could not see inside. Without flourish or any dramatic acting, Tea reached into it and pulled out a slip of paper. "Team Kiddy," she read. Then she pulled out another one and said, "Team Harpoon."

Immediately, Melvin and Kisara burst into laughter. The group around them turned and faced them with confused looks, but Kisara waved them off, saying, "Inside joke."

"We should make a bet," Melvin goaded her, "To make this duel more amusing."

"I'll talk to my financial advisor," Kisara replied.

"Leave Kaiba out of this. He's a cheater, anyway."

"Seto doesn't cheat. I should know – I'm his girlfriend."

"How do you know he doesn't cheat on you?"

"Hidden cameras."

"I see." Melvin took Ryou's hand as the crowd parted ways. They headed immediately for the snow cone shack. Kisara made note of this as she accompanied Kaiba to another part of the ship.

* * *

When it was time for the first card game to begin, Ryou and Melvin sat down in a pair of plastic pool chairs and kicked back to watch. Ryou looked around the arena and noted, "I don't see anyone else. I wonder if they forgot what time the duel started."

Melvin shook his head. "No one is going to show up because this is the most pointless duel to watch. It's going to drag on forever because they're the two worst pairs on the ship, so they'll pick at each other for hours until one of them finally loses. I'm just here cuz I made a bet with your sister."

"Talking about me, are we?" Kisara said as she pulled up a chair beside Ryou.

"Don't take it as a complement," Melvin remarked.

Kisara crossed her long, bare legs as she settled in for the games. The sunlight directly overhead gave her skin a sort of glow that nearly blinded the waiters ogling her body. "Save your hostility for after the duel, since I'll be winning this bet."

"Doubtful." They ceased their conversation, for the contestants were ready, stationed on their opposing sides and waiting for the game to begin. Mako and Pacifica shared a long, exhausting kiss before allowing the regulator to announce the duel. And thus the card games began.

* * *

"This can't be happening!" Melvin cried out, on his feet and screaming at Team Harpoon, "How are you losing to these two _children_?!"

Kisara stepped around him gracefully with a self-satisfied smirk. "Just one more attack, and their Life Points will be nil."

"And now, Shadow Ghoul, attack their Life Points directly!" Rebecca commanded, bringing the game to a shocking end. The virtual theatrics commenced, and Team Harpoon's Life Points dropped to 0.

"And the winner of the first round is Team Kiddy!" the announcer declared.

"NOOOO!" Melvin dropped to his knees on the deck, then crumpled into himself fetal-position as Kisara loped away to the cafeteria.

Ryou knelt beside his boyfriend and pleaded with him. "Melvin, you're acting ridiculous. All this over a silly bet."

"You don't understand, Ryou. This was no light matter we were playing with. I made the riskiest bet of my life and lost." Melvin hid his face in his hair.

Ryou rolled his eyes. "What could you possibly have promised my sister that would make you act this way?"

"Snow cones," Melvin wailed in agony.

Ryou chuckled inwardly. "What, you have to take my sister on a snow cone date?"

"No. I have to stop eating them for the rest of the cruise."

Ryou's face paled so dramatically that he would have put a blank document to shame. "Tell me you're kidding."

Melvin shook his head, rolling slightly on the deck. "It's true. We can't have snow cone dates anymore. Or I can't. You can still have them, so you'll dump me for another man who can give you all the snow cones you want and make your tongue purple and punch Bakura when he tries to dump your snow cone on your head. But I can't do that for you anymore. I'm useless to you now."

"No, Melvin, please," Ryou begged, looking around desperately, "Surely there's something I can do. I'll talk to Kisara – she'll understand. I'm sure I can get her to let you out of the bet."

"Don't kid yourself, Ryou. She has all the power now – she's not giving that up."

"She – she can't do this to us. Snow cones are our staple food; we can't live without them."

"There's still hope for you, love," Melvin declared, cupping Ryou's cheek in his trembling hand, "You must continue to eat the snow cones. I can't drag you down with me. You have to go on without me."

"No, no I can't. I refuse." Ryou took Melvin's outstretched hand, pressing it tenderly to his lips. "If you can't have them anymore, then I'll give them up, too. We can get through this together. But I'm not leaving you alone in this snow cone-less place. I'll stay beside you every step of the way. I love you, Melvin, and I'll never abandon you, even if it's the last thing I do."

Melvin pulled Ryou onto his chest and squeezed him lovingly. "I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I love you too, Ryou. I know we'll get through this together, some how."

The sound of Pacifica vomiting over the rails of the ship did not disturb the mushy couple lying on the floor of the ship. Mako patted his wife's back compassionately, saying, "Just let it all out, honey."

In the distance, a duelist barfed.

* * *

**A/N: Thus the chapter was posted, and its fans were temporarily appeased.**


	13. Glitches and Snitches

_Disclaimer: Do you hear that, reader? That is the sound of me not owning _Yu-Gi-Oh.

**A/N: Just this one time, I'll write you a story. For Yu.**

* * *

"Seto! Seto! Did you see me, big brother? We won the first duel!" Mokuba cheered in delight, hopping around Kaiba like a hungry bunny.

"Shut up, Mokuba. Mommy and Daddy are busy," Seto grumbled, squinting at his girlfriend as their intense staring contest stretched past the three-minute mark.

"Seto, is that any way to talk to your little brother?" Kisara scolded, a tinge of playfulness curling around her lips.

"Kisara! Kisara! Did you force my boyfriend to give up snow cones, big sister?" Ryou demanded in horror, springing around Kisara like a rabid kangaroo.

"Be silent, Ryou. Mum and Dad are working," Kisara replied, her eyes never leaving her boyfriend's.

Ryou puffed in indignation, looking very cute as he crossed his arms and stomped out of the café. Kisara did not break eye contact with Seto, even when she heard the bemoaning tears of her little brother from the stairwell. She did break contact, however, when a pink gel shoe collided with her face at the exact moment its brother smacked into Seto's face. A boisterous peal of laughter assailed her ears as a large, red welt appeared on the side of her face. She whirled around in fury, her eyes blazing the same as her cheek. "Who the hell threw that shoe?" Seto demanded, stepping up beside her.

"Well, if you must know, it was me, Rebecca Hawkins," boasted a short, spritely girl standing barefoot by the door of the café. "Maybe next time you won't ignore your little brothers when they ask for your attention. Family is the most important thing in the world. Isn't that right, Te – " she cut herself short, twisted around suddenly and left the room.

Kisara rubbed her swelling cheek before sighing. "I suppose I should attend to Ryou now. I'll catch up with you afterward." She floated down the stairs as Kaiba set his jaw in defiance. He picked up the girl's shoes and took off to find her.

"Ryou," Kisara called, searching the deck for him, "I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm ready to talk now."

"Down here," he called, and she flitted to his side. He gasped in horror as he saw her. "What happened to your face?"

Kisara frowned and crossed her arms. "Mokuba's little girlfriend hit me with a gel shoe. I see what makes her a good duelist – she's vicious."

Ryou laid a kiss on her welt before remembering that he was angry with her. "Kisara, why did you force Melvin to give up snow cones? You know they are the fuel of our relationship."

"I didn't _force_ him to do anything. He made that bet with me knowing fully well that he would have to honor it were he to lose. If I had lost, I would've had to dye all of Seto's capes pink. Imagine how that would have affected my relationship with my boyfriend. "

"Yes, well, but Melvin's a drama-queen. He's afraid that I will stop loving him if he can't have snow cone dates with me."

Kisara crossed her arms. "I'm sorry, but all deals are final. However, if you have something better to offer me in return…"

Ryou nodded fervently. "Name your price. Whatever you want, I will give you in exchange for his freedom."

"Whatever I want?" she asked with a devious smile, "Even if it's revenge on one of your friends?"

Ryou paled. "I'd hoped you wouldn't bring Bakura into this."

Kisara grinned evilly. "You don't have to do it, you know. I'm just curious how much you love your boyfriend. If he doesn't mean that much to you –"

"Just give me the details," he sighed.

* * *

That afternoon as they were leaving lunch, Ryou announced to his three best friends, "Marik and I need to have a girls' day."

All six eyes turned on him. "A girls' day?" Bakura asked, "What the bloody hell is a girls' day?"

"Bakura, don't be so harsh," Marik scolded, "Ryou and I just need a break from babysitting you boys for a while." He turned back to Ryou, "I would love to have a girls' day with you. We should start now so we have as much time as possible." That said, they hurried off down the stairs, leaving their boyfriends unattended.

* * *

After an hour or so of dress up and other girls' day games, Ryou and Marik sat down on the bed to talk about more important matters. Secure in the privacy of their locked and adjoining bedrooms, Ryou beseeched him, "Marik, I need some relationship advice."

"What's wrong, Mini Kitty? Is Melvin refusing to take his medicine?"

"No, it's just that I want to do something sweet for him, but I don't know what."

"Have you tried giving him a bath?"

Ryou's cheeks reddened. "Something a little less… naked, perhaps?"

"Have you tried complimenting his clothes?"

Ryou sighed. "I forgot. You're with Bakura, and he never does anything romantic. I'll just ask someone else." He made to stand, but Marik pushed him back down.

"Wait, Ryou. I can still help you."

"But how? Bakura isn't the type of person who does cute relationship things."

"Well," Marik said hesitantly, "That's not entirely true."

"What do you mean?"

Marik sighed. "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Bakura actually can be a sweet boyfriend."

Ryou laughed. "You're pulling my leg."

"No, seriously. Bakura's a really sweet guy, but only to me."

"Go on," Ryou urged, picking up a strawberry from the plate room service had brought them a few minutes ago.

"Well, there's this thing he does for me – when I've had a bad day or he just feels like being really nice for no apparent reason – that makes me feel really good, you know, like he loves me."

"What does he do?"

Marik thought about it. "Well, he does several things, but I don't know how to explain it to you."

"Can you show me?"

"What do you mean? Like, do it to you?"

Ryou shrugged. "Would that be awkward?"

Marik nodded. "It's something I'd only do with Bakura. I mean, it would be okay if you did that with Melvin, but it's not something we could do together."

"Oh," Ryou said with disappointment apparent in his voice, "Thanks, anyway."

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, since Melvin lost the bet and can't have snow cones anymore, he's been rather depressed. I just want to see him smile again."

Marik debated with himself silently for a few moments. Then finally, he said, "I could always film it for you. The thing me and Bakura do. I mean, he wouldn't do it in front of you, but if he didn't know he was being filmed, he couldn't object to it. Then you could get an idea of what to do for Melvin."

"You'd do that for me?" Ryou asked, his big puppy-dog eyes shimmering with hope.

Marik smiled and patted him on the head. "Of course, Chibi Ryou. That's what friends do – they help each other get laid."

Ryou's whole face turned scarlet. "I'm not trying to get laid."

Marik smirked and ruffled his thick mane. "Of course not."

* * *

Having been left to their own devices for the last several hours, Bakura and Melvin had driven the rest of the duelists below deck and were currently taking turns riding the Tentacle Monster to see who could go down it the fastest. They soon tired of this, however, and returned to the pool chairs to discuss other things.

"What do you think they're talking about?" Melvin asked.

"Probably comparing sex stories," Bakura taunted.

"Neither would have anything to talk about."

"But for two very different reasons. I always leave Marik speechless, whereas you just disappoint Ryou to the point that he's ashamed."

"Ryou and I are taking it slow, Florence. I realize you don't know what innocence is, but I'm trying to protect my boyfriend's rather than drag him to hell with me."

"Big words for someone who screwed his 'innocent' boyfriend last night."

Melvin locked eyes with Bakura, an intense glare leveled at him. "What makes you think –"

"Don't even pretend. I could hear everything. You aren't as stealthy as you think."

"Don't tell him you know."

Bakura returned his gaze to the sky. "I won't unless it becomes necessary. I certainly wouldn't want to get my hikari upset. I hate it when women cry."

"Good thing my hikari's mentally unstable, or you wouldn't have a boyfriend at all."

Bakura coiled his hand into a fist. "The more you talk, the more likely it is that Kisara stumbles upon a certain video I've procured."

Melvin jumped to his feet, followed immediately by Bakura. "If you don't burn that thing before dark, I'll set your room on fire for you."

Bakura laughed derisively. "As if I would keep it in my room. I've hidden it somewhere you will never find it. But if you don't play your cards right, I'll make sure someone does find it."

Melvin scowled. "What do you want?"

"It's simple, really; almost too much of a bargain. If we have to face off against each other, I want you to throw the game."

It was Melvin's turn to sneer. "You know I'm a better duelist than you."

"You're not better than me, but you are better than Marik, and he could lose the duel for me, which is why I'll need you to throw it."

"If you're afraid Marik will lose to me, what's to stop him from losing to the Pharaoh?"

Bakura smirked. "I'll have blackmail for him soon, too. It's all a matter of time."

At that moment, Ryou and Marik reappeared on deck. "Hey guys," they greeted happily. "We're done with our girls' day now."

Melvin put on his good face for Ryou, wrapping him in his arms and kissing his forehead as he breathed in the alluring smell of his shampooed scalp. He glared pointedly at Bakura, "We'll talk about this later." Then he escorted Ryou to dinner.

* * *

The next morning, after receiving the video from Marik, Ryou sneakily made his way to Kisara's room to exchange it for Melvin's freedom.

Ryou had his arms crossed when she opened the door, pouting miserably. "I just want you to know I'm not proud of this. This is the lowest thing I've ever done, and my own flesh and blood made me do it."

"Quit whining and come inside," Kisara smiled, holding the door open for him, "I've prepared popcorn, and you brought a movie. Let's have a bit of fun, like we used to."

"Fun?" Ryou sneered in disgust, "You call betraying one of my friends 'fun'? I mean, granted he's not the best type of person to befriend, but nonetheless he's one of the few I have."

"But this is what friends do, little brother: they pull pranks on each other. You're simply playing with Bakura. It's a harmless gag."

"Harmless? This could have serious repercussions. When Bakura discovers I gave you the video – and he will if you use this as blackmail any time soon – he'll be so furious, he'll probably shave my head. I don't want to be bald!"

"I've got profiteroles," Kisara coaxed.

"Profiteroles!" Ryou dashed into the room, causing Kisara to giggle quietly as she closed the door.

On the bed, Ryou munched happily on a frozen éclair. Kisara took the video from him and placed it in the player on top of her television. Laying back on the other side of the bed, she watched the blackmail and enjoyed the company of her brother.

* * *

**A/N: DragonVale glitched and gave me over 100 gems more than I should have had, and I was so happy that I decided to post. This chapter is dedicated to my new Frostfire Dragon.**


	14. This Better Not Be Porn

_Disclaimer: Something something something not mine._

**A/N: Blah blah blah new chapter.**

* * *

"Ready for our film, Ryou?"

The boy pouted, then mumbled, "This better not be porn."

Kisara shrugged as a twisted smirk split one side of her face. She clicked the Play button, and the two white-haired youths watched as Marik's face filled the screen.

**ON SCREEN**

"Alright, Ryou. Bakura's in the bathroom right now. When he comes out, I'm going to get him to do that thing. This camera only has 16 minutes left of film time, so if I don't get it out of him before then, I'll have to postpone giving this to you. On the upside, you won't have to watch me and Bakura do it… for long. Oh, he's coming."

Marik scurried across the room and jumped onto the bed as a light off-screen suddenly appeared, then disappeared. Marik smiled with schoolgirl giddiness as Bakura's naked back slid into view. The Brit crossed his arms and asked with a rather suspicious tone, "Marik, why do you seem so excited?"

"Silly kitty; I'm always excited around you. But tonight I'm exceptionally so because I'm looking forward to doing… certain things with you."

From the angle of the shot, they couldn't see Bakura's face, but Ryou could picture it in his mind just as clearly as if he could. "Go on."

Suddenly Marik became shy, and his eyes flickered from Bakura to the camera to his outstretched feet. "Well, you know how sometimes – when you're in the mood – we do that thing you hate doing in public?"

Bakura shivered. "Oh Ra."

**OFF SCREEN**

_Bang Bang Bang!_

Kisara paused the video and snapped at the door, "What?"

But instead of an answer, the door slammed open, and in walked Melvin with his Millennium Rod gripped tightly in his bronze fist. When his eyes met Ryou's, he grinned madly and announced, "I thought I would find you here. I went into the bathroom for ten minutes to take a shower, and when I came out you were gone. You didn't even tell me good morning."

"Ryou's allegiance has changed," Kisara gloated, "He would rather lay in bed with me than with you."

Ryou, horrified at this point, attempted to sputter out his defense, but his boyfriend didn't give him the chance. Melvin pushed Ryou into the middle of the bed and curled up next to him. "What are you watching?"

"Marik was so kind as to make us a video of the one thing Bakura does for him that would destroy his reputation for all who witnessed it," Kisara explained.

"This better be porn," Melvin grinned, thumbing his forehead.

Ryou groaned. "I fear it is going to be."

Melvin kissed the hikari on the forehead. "Press Play."

**ON SCREEN**

"Don't give me that look. You knew this would happen eventually. I mean, with all the fuss people made about it, you have to admit it was inevitable."

Bakura shook his head slowly. "I know, but I had hoped to put it off a bit longer."

"We've put it off for long enough. It's time to do what we do best."

Bakura groaned. "Fine. If I have no choice in the matter…"

"You don't," Marik chimed in delight, leaping from the bed and padding across the room, out of range of the camera. Bakura dropped onto the bed, his arms crossed, and exhaled in half-hearted irritation. A few seconds later, the music to _Fireflies_ by Owl City abruptly filled the room.

"I hate you," Bakura grumbled as Marik perched on the bed beside him and handed him a paper.

"Aw, I love you too, Fluffy." Marik kissed him quickly before beginning his song:

"_I did not believe your lies_

_When you told me 'Those aren't fries,'_

_Because I knew that they really were."_

[Bakura: "Those were chips."]

"_Then you took me to a fair,_

_Washed vomit out of my hair._

_I'll never go back to Kaiba Land, I swear._

_I'd like to make you mine, Fluffy,_

_But you would rather climb trees._

_You chase each day with the hope you will beat Yugi finally,_

_Which doesn't leave much time for you and me."_

Marik nudged Bakura, who lifted the paper and read from it:

"_Yes I am a major snub._

_I won't give him enough hugs._

_Mostly because he smells like rotten fruit."_

[Marik: "It doesn't say that!"]

"_No, I'd rather rule the dead_

_And let Marik scratch my head._

_A kitty cat who's grumpy and should be fed._

_(Screw this!)"_

Bakura threw the paper aside and continued:

"_I'd like to make Marik believe_

_That I'm not too dumb to see_

_His countless tries to win my love are futile simply 'cause he_

_Has had my heart since the start of this story._

_(I am your Fluffy.)"_

"Aw, Bakura, that's so sweet! I almost like your edition better than my own."

"Almost? My version is much better. You were making me out to be the villain. Granted, I am, but not in our relationship. I do care about you, and –" He was cut off by Marik kissing him forcefully. Bakura cracked a smile and kissed the Egyptian back.

And then it turned into porn.

**OFF SCREEN**

"So that's Bakura's deep, dark secret? He sings crappy parodies with Marik? We do that together all the time," Melvin exclaimed, rather disappointed with the blackmail.

"No, it's perfect," Kisara gushed, "This is exactly the type of thing I needed." She kissed her brother on the forehead. "Thank you, Ryou. A deal is a deal. Melvin may now have snow cones."

"You got blackmail on Bakura in exchange for my freedom?" Melvin asked. Ryou nodded tentatively. Melvin pushed his shaggy hair aside and kissed him full on the lips, giving no eff's that Kisara was staring at them. "That is the bravest thing anyone's ever done for me. I love you, Ryou Bakura. I think you are my soul mate."

Kisara flung herself to the edge of her bed and violently fake-barfed. But when she turned back to face them, she couldn't help the small smirk that peeked through. "Alright, love birds. Get out of here and have your inevitable snow cone date. I'll see you at lunch later, Ryou."

Ryou nodded respectfully to his sister before leading Melvin out of her room.

* * *

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Sonicknuxshad for inspiring the song parody. And thanks to all my faithful viewers who put up with my inconsistent update schedule. I love you guys!**


	15. Half 'n Half

_Disclaimer: You know I'm not the owner because I can't update regularly for the life of me. That would've never flown were this actually mine._

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait, guys. I honestly don't have a good excuse, but I promise to try harder to update frequently. Job search isn't going well – nearly fell into a scam – so maybe I'll have the time to work on these like I did last summer. It's a gift and a curse.**

* * *

The sun was high in the sky as the entire group of duelists assembled in the cool, air-conditioned café for lunch. Tea was not achieving the attention of her peers despite her obnoxious cries. For the first time since they arrived on the ship, Mako and Pacifica were not making out, though the former still tried in vain to coax his wife into at least a little tongue.

Yugi and the Pharaoh were not making out either. While the Pharaoh was fantasizing about strapping his chibi doppelganger to the altar in his soul-room, Yugi was fantasizing about taking Tea to prom, maybe buying her a corsage to go with her pretty dress. They sighed in unison, "If only."

Melvin was not telling Ryou was not telling Bakura was not telling Kisara was not telling Marik about that secret video with the most outrageous blackmail on it.

Joey and Mai were not even attempting to hide their slobber as they went at each other's faces with wide, slurping lips. Serenity was not paying attention to anyone – neither her brother nor the two guys (Tristan and Duke) who were not getting anywhere in their competition over the girl's heart. Ishizu and Odion were not interrupting the plot with their strange, misshapen relationship or further talk of baseball. Mokuba and Rebecca were not practicing for their next duel, since it would take a few days before they were eligible again. And Kaiba was not present at all.

Suddenly, the overwhelming sound of a helicopter chopping its way through the air caused all the duelists to cease whatever they were not doing. A rope ladder dropped in through the skylight (which had conveniently appeared overnight), and Seto Kaiba made his grand entrance into the scene. "I'm here now. You may begin," he smirked, dismissing the helicopter with little more than a thought.

Tea blew her hair out of her face and shrieked, "Alright, you pipsqueaks! Listen up! I will be drawing the names of the next duelists out of the coconut now. Serenity, if you please." The green-eyed girl stepped up to the table Tea was standing on and offered her the coconut. Tea turned her face away and shoved her hand into it, then pulled out two slips of paper. She held them an inch from her nose and announced, "Team Puzzle will be dueling Team Xeno."

"Dammit, we lose," Ishizu huffed.

"Do you want to just resign now?" Odion asked her under his breath, "It would give us more time for…" but he didn't need to finish the sentence.

Ishizu groaned, whipped out her deck, and turned to Yugi. "We surrender," she said as both she and her partner placed their hands over their decks.

Tea grumbled loudly. "Well, now I have to choose two new slips of paper from the coconut." She did so with exaggerated labour and read, "Team Death and Team Flippant."

"But we didn't –" Yugi began.

"Silence!" Tea screeched, "I don't want to hear your whining, Yugi. Why can't you be more perfect like the Pharaoh?"

The Pharaoh in question pulled a chunk of orange wax from his ear. "Hm? What about me?"

"You always love him more than me!" Yugi cried out, bursting into tears that sprang from the corners of his eyes like a ceiling sprinkler. Crushed, he barreled out of the café, down the stairs, and back to his bedroom.

"Yugi, wait," his Yami protested, sprinting after him.

Melvin turned to Ryou, "So I guess we're up." He glanced at Bakura, but the other yami didn't meet his gaze, so he returned his attention to Ryou. "How do you want to prepare?"

Ryou fingered his deck thoughtfully. "Let's eat, then go back to the room to strategize."

Over on the other side of the café, Mai and Duke were having a similar discussion. "My breasts are afraid that the hot one will try to torture me again."

"Nyah, don't worry about it, Mai," Joey replied gutsily, "I'll protect ya from that mook. 'Sides, he's got the weak Bakura as a partner. You should have this duel in the bag."

"Oh, thank you Joey! My breasts are much more confident now."

"If you two are finished being gay," Duke began, "my partner and I should get down to business. Duke Devlin always has his head in the game."

"SQUEE!" squeed about a million fangirls.

Kisara patted her brother on the back. "Good luck, Ryou. I hear that Mai Valentine is a tough opponent, and that Duke Devlin invented his own game similar to Duelmonsters."

"No, it's _exactly_ like Duelmonsters," Yami hollered up the stairs.

"I'll do well, sister," Ryou assured her, "Melvin and I make a great team."

"You realize what this means, Bakura," Kaiba sneered as he strolled over to Team Thief.

"Of course I do," he grumbled.

"We'll be dueling tomorrow, and we'll finally see which of us is better," Joey continued as he came up beside his partner.

"I said I knew, you fool. Why would you explain when it wasn't necessary. Oh, if I had an ax right now…" Bakura continued to make violent and specific threats as Marik dragged him away to find a table to eat breakfast at.

Kaiba slapped Joey upside the head. "Idiot. You were supposed to say 'you'll see that I am better.' And by 'I' I mean me."

"Me?" Joey asked, confused now.

Kaiba groaned. "Forget it, Wheeler. If you hadn't defeated Yugi after Battle City to get your Red Eyes back, I would so be throwing you over the side of the boat right now." That said, he stalked off to find his girlfriend.

"Things are heating up aboard the cruise ship. Who will win the next duel? What kind of blackmail will Bakura get for Kaiba? And when will the sun rise?! Find out after the break."

"Tristan Timothy Taylor! What have I told you about asking random, nonsensical crap over the intercom?!"

* * *

It was 15 minutes til noon, and the members of Team Death were sitting in their room hunched over the small, round table slathered in strategic notes and trading cards. "I'm freaking out, man! I'm freaking out."

"Be still, Melvin. You can't get upset, because you have to be the strong one, or else I will crack."

Melvin yanked Ryou to his chest, smothering the hikari in his beefy, tan arms. "Don't worry your pretty itty bitty head, my sweet. Your sexy beast lover will protect you against all evils, emotions and card games alike."

Ryou flailed. "Melvin, you're choking me."

"Choking you with my love!" But he released the boy, who took several deep breaths. "I think we're about as prepared as we're going to be," he said after a few moments.

Ryou nodded in agreement, glancing wearily at the cluttered table. "What do you propose we do in the mean time?"

Melvin smirked. "A nice, relaxing shower would do us wonders, don't you think?"

Ryou grinned and blushed at the same time. "I don't think I'll ever grow accustomed to your forwardness."

Melvin kissed him on the forehead. "I hope you never do."

* * *

Above deck, a crowd had formed around the dueling arena. On one side stood the Team Flippant supporters: Tristan, Serenity, Tea, Joey, Yugi and Yami. On the other side sat (or technically laid, since they were all reclining in folding chairs) Team Death's posse: Kisara, Marik, Bakura, Odion and Ishizu. Kaiba had also come, sitting underneath his girlfriend, but he was busy on his iPhone and was only there because Kisara had promised him 'special attention' if he could watch the duel without distracting her brother from winning. He knew he would get this attention anyway, but he figured it didn't hurt to make the girl happy every once in a while.

Ryou and Melvin shared a brief hand-hug before taking their stance across the board from Mai and Duke. The card game began, and there was much rejoicing. However, since the author figured nobody really cared to listen to the entire play-by-play of the duel, she decided to skip to the end and not waste everyone's time, hers included.

The protagonists were on their feet, yelling encouragement as the game drew to a close. But despite their chants and stomping and ancient Egyptian voodoo, Team Death came out the victors.

Melvin and Ryou kissed passionately as the referee announced that they'd won. Ryou looked over at his friends hoping to see them all smiling and cheering for him, but they were all asleep. All of them. Every single one. Ryou rolled his eyes and walked across the deck to shake hands with his opponents. "Great game, everyone. You were such worthy adversaries," he said as he took Duke's hand.

"Woah, you're a dude," the raven-haired boy said with much shock in his voice. "I totally thought you were a chick. And there I was planning to bang you later."

"That never stopped you before," Joey sniped.

Duke smiled mischievously. "No it hasn't."

Melvin growled as he wrapped his arms protectively around his boyfriend, flexing so that Duke would see how strong and deadly he was. "Mine," he barked, baring his fangs.

"I'm in a committed relationship," Ryou said less forcefully, though the blood rushing to his cheeks would've drowned Duke were he subjected to it.

"Duke Devlin is always willing to try new things, baby." He winked at Melvin before turning away, his friends following after him.

Melvin and Ryou stood silently until the others were out of sight. Then Melvin said, "Well that was enlightening."

Mokuba appeared from the shadows of a lawn chair where he'd been hiding. "I have the weirdest boner right now."

* * *

**A/N: Please accept my sincerest apology for being so far behind. I offer you this chapter as reparation. **


	16. The Enemy's Strategy

_Disclaimer: The author you are trying to reach is not creditable for this copyright. Please never try again._

**A/N: I swear I thought I had something started. Turns out I didn't. But fear not – I have started it now.**

* * *

It took a full 56 minutes and a six-duelist strong sunburn ritual before Team Death's supporters realized that the duel was over. With much stretching and many groans of pain, the gang awoke from their slumber and cautiously ventured across the deck to find some food to settle their raging stomachs.

"You fell asleep, Seto," Kisara scolded him as they walked stiffly up the stairwell to the café, "You realize this means you defaulted on our agreement."

"But I saw the whole duel. I only fell asleep afterward."

"Then why didn't you wake me up?" she hissed. "If this is true, then who won the duel?"

"Your brother did, of course. I didn't even need to stay awake to tell you that. Of all the duels I've watched, Mai Valentine has never won a single one. She always surrenders. In fact, I bet she surrendered this one as well."

"If you saw it, then why are you unsure?"

Kaiba frowned. "Damn. You always catch me in a lie."

Kisara grinned before the pain of her sunburn made her face relax again. "I know you too well."

"Speaking of your bloody git of a brother, where is Ryou?"

Kisara glared at Bakura. "It's no concern of yours."

"Perhaps he is eating up here," Marik suggested. But when they emerged into the spacious dining area, only the bustle of the kitchen and a lone waiter was there to greet them.

"Maybe we were asleep for longer than I thought," Kisara mumbled. Then she beckoned over the waiter. "How long ago did the other guests eat?"

The waiter tried and failed to hide his nervousness with a polite smile. "Yugi Moto and his friends arrived an hour ago. The last of them finished and left only a short while before you showed up."

"And the couple that looked like them?" she asked, gesturing to Marik and Bakura.

He shifted his gaze to them warily, the color draining from his face as he remembered his encounter with their twins. "W-well, after thoroughly destroying the hopes and dreams of our two finest chefs, the tan one laughed maniacally and threw the raven-haired duelist with the catchy background music through three or four tables before his pale companion managed to tug him away. They left about twenty minutes before everyone else. We just finished cleaning up the blood splatter and tears."

Odion and Ishizu shared a glance before pointing at Marik and exclaiming, "He's _your_ brother." Then Odion added, "I'm adopted," as if it helped his case.

Marik slapped his palm to his face. "I warned Ryou about the medication. I swear, if Melvin flushed another bottle down the crapper, I'll have Ryou cut his hair off in his sleep."

"Ryou wouldn't have the balls," Bakura argued.

"Kisara, you could do it," Marik said hopefully, "Ryou loves you too much to let Melvin hurt you. He'd defend you, so you're safe."

"Kisara will not be visiting anyone's room but mine," Kaiba declared, crossing his arms over her collar bone.

"Oh, I know all about her nightly visits," Bakura replied with a smirk. "In fact, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You see, I've procured a certain video you might be interested in."

"Save your breath. Ryou already knows about what we do in my room. And if you're planning on involving Mokuba, there is nothing I could do that would turn him against me."

Bakura caught his eye, inclined his head toward the girl wrapped in his arms, and said, "We'll discuss it later."

* * *

In the safety of their room, Ryou and Melvin were relaxing on the bed, stripped down to their boxers. The taller of the boys twisted his fingers through the thin tuft of wiry hair on his boyfriend's sternum. Silence grew between them until the Egyptian couldn't stomach any more and gutted it with the only question that came to mind. "What are you thinking about?"

"The progression of duels ahead." Ryou turned on his side, worry creasing his brow. "Do you honestly think we'll win, Melvin?"

He shrugged. "The Pharaoh is certainly a tough opponent, but I know for a fact I can beat that blonde fool – the idiot with the world's most ridiculous accent. Perhaps we'll get lucky and Kaiba will defeat Yugi Moto once and for all." Then he threw back his head and laughed.

Ryou brushed the gleeful tears squirting from the other's eyes off his arm. "What makes you so sure Bakura and Marik won't win?"

"Please! I know you're a nice guy, Ryou, but you can't honestly be that naïve. The only way they could win is if Bakura got Joey to throw the duel. But that seems very unlikely."

"Why?"

Melvin readjusted himself and tuned his voice to the educational pitch. "You see, Starry Hikari, Bakura would have to procure blackmail on Joey to get him to throw it. But judging by his blunt and irrational attitude, anything he could dig up wouldn't be enough to convince him to surrender."

Ryou pondered that, remembering how Joey had ditched his own sister's surgery in order to play a card game. He thought of all the nauseating things Wheeler had said at the dinner table, and decided Melvin was right. "Okay. But what about Kaiba?"

Melvin faltered. Yes, what about Kaiba? Surely a man with such an ego would have something to hide. Then again, Melvin doubted Kaiba would have left such a powerful card as a skeleton in the closet unattended. "Kaiba can afford to cover up every scandal he's ever been involved in. Despite Bakura's boasting to the contrary, I seriously doubt he will be able to find viable blackmail on such short notice."

"But what if he could? What if, say, Mokuba happened to slip something to Bakura?"

"From what I've gleaned, Mini Kaiba is far too loyal to his big brother to do such a thing. I doubt even a bribe could break him; there's not much that boy wants that he couldn't get simply by asking."

"Maybe if they got him drunk." Melvin raised an eyebrow at Ryou's words, and he blushed. "Really really drunk?"

"Ryou, this is why you need to stop listening to my music when I'm not around."

"I can't help it! You leave it on when you get up, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to turn it off."

Melvin chuckled, pulling the boy to his chest and kissing him from forehead to chin. But he couldn't help linger on Ryou's words. Maybe not Mokuba, but Kisara…

All the blood rushed from Melvin's head as Bakura's plan of action dawned on him with sickening clarity. Blackmail that would hurt Kisara – Bakura already had that. But Melvin knew the lengths Kaiba would go to for victory – he'd even threatened suicide once to win a duel. Not even Kisara, his most beloved girlfriend, could outweigh the most basic human need – the need to win a children's card game. But Bakura was no pansy. If he made a threat and his opponent refused to back down, Bakura wouldn't back down either. Bakura would show that video to Kisara if Kaiba refused to throw the match. Which, of course, he would, for what did he care if his girlfriend knew the truth about her little brother – that he had given his virginity over to such a monster as Yami Marik, an Egyptian gravekeeper's son who had killed his own father, possessed his twin brother's body in order to kill a little boy harboring another dark spirit? Ryou would be crushed, devastated that his precious older sister knew – had seen! – the most intimate moment of his young life. No, it couldn't happen; not like this.

"Melvin?"

Ryou's frightened voice jarred him from his thoughts, and he looked down to see the most intense and unconditional concern he'd ever witnessed on this small boy's face. Melvin forced a shallow smile to his lips. "Yes, my love?"

"You looked really frightened for a moment. I just wanted to make sure you were feeling well."

Melvin smoothed the worry lines from the Brit's forehead. Cupping his chin, he leaned forward and brought his lips to Ryou's lips. "You need not worry, my love. Mel will take care of everything."

* * *

**A/N: So short, I know. But I really wanted to appease the god of frequent updates, and I don't know when I'll have time to work on this again. I'm going to the treacherous land of No Wi-Fi this weekend – pray for my safe passage!**


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